


and I'm here to remind you, what's lost is never gone

by RainbowRandomness



Category: Game Grumps, Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Alternate Reality, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Dark, Angst, Dark, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Multi, Not Really Character Death, Panic Attacks, Pining, Polyamory, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sad, Sad with a Happy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-31
Updated: 2016-03-06
Packaged: 2018-05-10 13:24:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 42,259
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5587519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RainbowRandomness/pseuds/RainbowRandomness
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>On a day like any other, Dan wakes up to discover that Arin has disappeared off of the face of the earth, and he's the only one who can remember him. Struggling with the reality that he's been transported to an alternate universe where his best friend doesn't exist, Dan tries to find the clues which will lead him back to his world and back to Arin.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I

**Author's Note:**

> I should point out now that this fic is inspired by yourhoboswitness's fic [_Losing You_](http://archiveofourown.org/works/4118971/chapters/9283909). I saw the summary and realised I'd never read the trope from start to end, only ever seen the beginning where the person goes missing. the trope interested me enough for me to try and give it a go at writing it myself. 
> 
> anyone reading this should go check out their fic. at the moment it's not finished, but it's still pretty rad.
> 
> anyway, I hope you all enjoy.
> 
> Word count: 1,766
> 
> Title from _Forget Me Not_ by Marianas Trench

“See ya boobs.”

Dan leans back in his seat with an exhaled, “Yayyy,” dragging the word out as he reclines. There’s a short pause until Arin asks from beside him, “Did I just call our fans ‘boobs’?”

Barely managing to stifle a smile, Dan pauses for dramatic effect before saying, “I don’t think they’ll have a problem with being called the greatest thing in the world.”

He says it with such a serious tone that Arin’s only response is a murmured, “Oh shit,” before they both smile and crack up snickering at each other’s nonsense. Dan reaches over to stop the recording equipment while Arin pencils in the stop time beside the time that they started. Once done, they fall back against the sofa and drink in the comfortable silence filling up between them, both at ease with leaving the air empty of their words and bodies unwilling to move onwards to recording more videos for the day.

Feeling his eyes drift shut briefly, Dan runs a hand through his hair to mess with the curls, sending them askew as he messes with them. His hair falls across his face and he peers through the soft locks lazily, thinking about nothing in particular. He just feels content; in a weird way he feels both grounded and like he’s floating simultaneously, his soul content with everything in that moment and it’s almost overwhelming as it is a comforting weight of knowledge to know.

Arin, of course, breaks the moment by nonchalantly informing Dan, “I’ve had a fart brewing for the past couple of minutes but it won’t come out.”

Cracking up into hysterics, Dan kneels forward, his lanky form bending over as he grabs at his stomach. It was such a beautiful and peaceful moment but he’s not surprised that Arin would break it in such a manner, and through his hiccupping laughs he manages to reply, “Dude, so gross.”

When he looks over towards Arin he’s smiling, his head resting against his palm. He’s watching Dan and his smile has that softness to it that shines through as adoration in his eyes. Dan’s laughs subside and he ends up simply smiling back dopily at Arin, still bent over with his hair falling onto his face but it’s a beautiful moment again, that feeling of contentment returning like the gentle wash of waves across a beaches shore. He just wants to stay this way and admire Arin for a while, take in the details of his face and bask in the glow of his quirky personality that fits so well with Dan’s.

“You okay there dude?” Arin asks, his eyebrow quirking up in curious amusement, his lip curling up into the same expression. Dan grins back at him and sits up, running his hand back through his hair and ruffling the curls to put them back into place.

“I’m good man. Really good,” he replies, glancing over towards Arin again. He can’t help himself, his friend is captivating. Arin hums in response and reaches for the controller, passing it over towards Dan who takes it from him and rests it in his lap.

“Wanna keep playing?” Arin inquires and Dan shrugs with a smile, leaving Arin to lean forward to start up the recording equipment again. Dan doesn’t mind playing a few more games; the game itself, _A Link Between Worlds_ , is a fun game and if playing more of it and recording episodes means spending more time with his best friend, then he’ll keep playing for however long he can.

-

Eventually they call it a day and stop recording episodes, both ready to relax and let the day end. Dan rises from the sofa in a stretch, his arms reaching up above his head as his body is tenses and then relaxes again, going from taut to slack in a matter of moments. His shoulders drop lazily and he holds out his hand towards Arin to help him up from the sofa, not that he really needs the help but it’s a nice offer all the same. Arin slips his hand within Dan’s and holds tightly while he hauls himself up from the sofa. Dan can’t help but squeeze his hand before letting go.

“I don’t know about you Dan,” Arin begins, stretching briefly himself by raising his arms and bending them at his elbows, pulling at them while curving his body. Dan can’t help but appreciate the view as they walk out of the Grump recording space.

He hums as a way of responding and asking for Arin to continue, to which he does by saying, “But I am ready to hit the fucking hay.”

Dan smiles and cocks his head to the side, shaking his head slightly and allowing more hair to fall and cover his grinning face. It’s something he does sometimes, a way to hide himself away without truly hiding away from people; it’s just the shy part of himself making him feel bashful enough to make him want to hide his smile, even though Arin is grinning just as much beside him.

Kevin is sat at his desk in the Grump office and he salutes his fingers towards the both of them without looking away from his computer screen. Dan salutes to him in return, not minding if Kevin doesn’t notice. He’s obviously working on something and neither Dan nor Arin bother to distract him.

The only other person in the office is Ross and he’s curled in the centre of one of the large bean bags they have in the work space, his body practically curled in on itself into a ball. He’s sunk deep within the softness of the bean bag and the large white blanket that Dan usually wraps himself in is currently enveloping Ross’ sleeping form. The only part of Ross that Dan can really see is from his nose upwards, his eyelashes fluttering ever so slightly as he dreams.

“He needs to get his sleeping schedule in check,” Dan comments idly as he grabs for his coat and hat, his arms slipping through the sleeves with ease before he pulls his beanie over his birds nest hair. He hears Arin hum in reply while he pulls on his own jacket and his car keys jingle where he pulls them from his pocket.

Dan waits while Arin slips on his shoes and then nods when Arin asks him if he’s ready to go. Barry had already gone home earlier in the day and Arin had said he’d give Dan a lift back home, which made his stomach flutter with childish joy. He smiles as he slides into the passenger seat of Arin’s car and reaches for the radio, turning it on and flipping through the stations until he lands on something decent.

They drive in silence for a while, the only sound filling the air being the music filtering out from the car speakers and the sound of cars driving past them on the road. It’s raining and the water runs rivulets down the windows, the windscreen wipers clearing away the water moments at a time.

The sound of car tires driving across wet roads, occasionally going through a puddle and causing the water to splash against the car body and the pavement, makes Dan feel sleepy and that feeling of content returns to wrap around his heart like a beam of sunlight. It warms his very core and if he could, he’d reach across the gear stick and hold Arin’s hand so he could share that warmth with him. He doesn’t but he looks across to Arin all the same and his friend smiles at him warmly even as he continues to watch the road in front of him through the car window.

Dan returns to gazing out the passenger side window but his smile lingers; his fingers itch to reach across and hold Arin’s hand, to connect them physically in the moment, but still he resists that urge and allows himself to relax into the moment and enjoy it for as long as the car journey lasts.

-

“Thanks for giving me a lift home, dude.”

He’s leaning down to peer through the car door from the passenger’s side and he flashes Arin a thankful smile. His friend returns his grin and shrugs, commenting on how it was nothing.

“See you tomorrow Arin,” he calls, straightening himself. He catches Arin’s reply of, “See ya Dan,” before he shuts the car door and begins to make his way towards the door leading to his and Barry’s place. He hears Arin’s car drive off behind him, the tires kicking up water as he drives away.

Fiddling with the keys he eventually stumbles inside. He takes his hat off and shakes his head like a dog would shake its body to fling off the water clinging to its fur. It’s the same reason Dan’s doing it, although he ruffles his hair afterwards to push it out of his face.

Barry greets him when he wanders into the kitchen, his laptop propped up on the kitchen island and his glasses resting on the ridge of his nose. He looks like a dad who’s brought his work home for the weekend and Dan chuckles to himself before saying hey in return. He makes his way over to the fridge and drinks the milk straight from the cartoon, even though Barry makes a disgruntled noise from behind him because of it.

“Working on anything?” Dan inquires, replacing the milk in the fridge and shutting the door. Barry hums and responds, “Answering Reddit questions.”

“Ah,” Dan says, smile evident in his voice as he makes his way round the kitchen island, “important work then.”

Barry spares him a glance and a smile before he begins to tap away at his laptop keys. Dan decides to leave him to it and wanders into his room, shutting it behind him so he can begin to strip off his clothes and get ready for bed. It’s already late and he’s rather tired anyway, his body aching at random as a way to signal to him that he needs rest. He obliges and slips between his bedcovers, pulling them up around him as he settles into a comfortable position on his side, face nestling into his pillow.

In his state of drifting between consciousness and unconsciousness, he thinks briefly about how he wanted to hold Arin’s hand earlier. Maybe later, after he’s slept, he’ll do just that and finally get rid of the itch building in his fingertips. Maybe later, he’ll hold his friends hand.


	2. II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Word count: 2,686

Waking up to the sound of his alarm blaring from his phone was something he could have done without that morning. He growls into his pillow and pats the area of mattress that the sound is coming from until he locates his phone, his thumb haphazardly trying to slide the bar across the screen to turn off the alarm. When the noise finally stops, he sighs into his pillow and then forces himself to sit up, swinging his legs out over the side of the bed as he does so.

Although he’s disgruntled about being awake, the smell of food wafting through the kitchen catches his attention. Sniffing the air, he smiles at the familiar smell of eggs and bacon that wafts through into his room; Barry must be making breakfast.

Getting up and dressing himself quickly, he makes his way out of his room and into the kitchen to see Barry already dressed and ready himself, his hip leaning against the counter while the eggs cook in a pan on the stove. He seems to be scrolling through something on his phone and doesn’t seem to realize that Dan’s standing there.

“What’s cookin’, good lookin’?” Dan asks as he strides into the room. Barry looks up at him with an unimpressed look but Dan can tell by the tilt of his lips that curl up into a smile that he actually appreciates Dan’s morning greeting.

“Eggs and bacon,” comes his reply, his gaze returning to his phone screen. He taps at something on his phone and continues to scroll as Dan replies, “Ah, a classic.”

Barry’s only other response is a hum; Dan slides past him to get to the fridge and grabs for the milk, taking a generous swig from the cartoon again without bothering to pour any of it into a glass. Barry scowls at him when he notices.

“That’s gross,” he says, his nose scrunching up in disgust. He picks up the spatula on the counter beside him to move the eggs onto a plate. Dan only shrugs and replaces the milk in the fridge before darting for the bacon sizzling away in its own separate pan, managing to get the pieces out before they potentially burn. He grabs a plate from the cupboard to slide them onto and then pops some bread into the toaster for himself and Barry.

“You going into the office today?” Barry inquires after a swig of whatever hot beverage is steaming from his mug. Dan can’t reply, a piece or two of bacon shoved into his mouth, and he chews quickly to swallow it down. He nods like an excited puppy before managing, “Yeah, might as well get a head start since I’m up early anyway.”

Barry nods and takes another sip from his mug, taking his plate of eggs to the island counter. He grabs for some bacon strips off of Dan’s plate to put onto his own and Dan catches the toast as it flies from the toaster. He passes one over to Barry and places it onto his plate, Barry throwing him a thankful look as he slides past him to the counter.

Dan makes quick work of his breakfast and decides to walk to the Grump office. He throws Barry a quick, “I’ll see you there!” before shutting the door and striding down the steps of their house to the pavement. Strangely enough the weather is bright and sunny, the crisp autumn air making everything smell fresh and clean even as cars drive by him on the road and fill the air with fumes. He doesn’t mind though and pulls his hat tighter over his curls before shoving his hands into his jacket pockets.

He takes a moment to enjoy himself as he walks towards the Grump office; he thinks about chilling with Arin again, curled up in the blanket on the Grump sofa as they play some games. Maybe they’ll play some more of _A Link Between Worlds_ or perhaps they’ll play something new; he saw Arin rummaging through the pile of games that had been recently sent to them by some fans the other day, and he smiles at all of the different possibilities today may bring. Whatever they end up playing, he knows him and Arin will have fun with it, even if Arin ends up getting super frustrated by the game. In the end, it doesn’t really matter what they play as long as he gets to hang out with Arin.

He thinks back to yesterday and how he wanted to hold Arin’s hand. The thoughts and feelings aren’t anything new and he came to terms with the fact that sometimes he wants to get really affectionate with his friend, but so far he hasn’t tried to make any advances on Arin. He’s a happily married man anyway and Dan loves Suzy too much to start acting weird and less than platonic with her husband. Just because he and Arin joke around all the time about dicks and can get really touchy feely with each other doesn’t mean that there aren’t still boundaries that shouldn’t be crossed.

Sighing to himself, Dan shakes his head as a way to try and clear the thoughts from his mind. He loves Arin so much in so many ways and he’s his best friend; he’s not going to fuck all that up just because sometimes he loves him a little less platonically than usual.

Dan tries not to think about it, pushing the thoughts to the back of his mind. Right now, all he wants to do is enjoy the crisp morning air and let what little heat from the sun beat down and warm him up as he walks to work. He’ll let himself be enamoured by Arin when he gets to the Grump office.

-

When he finally arrives at the Grump space after his refreshing morning walk, Barry’s car is already parked nearby. Either Dan was walking really slowly or Barry had left soon after Dan, which is why he’d beaten him to the space. Dan wanders up to his car and lightly presses his fingertips to the hood of the car and grins when he feels that it’s still warm; Barry hasn’t been here too long.

He makes his way up to the door and punches in the keycode that will allow him access into the building. Giddy excitement is bubbling away in his stomach as he thinks about seeing Arin and everyone else and he smiles to himself as he wanders into the building and makes his way into the Grump space. His smile falls quickly upon the sight that greets him.

As he enters into the Grump space the first thing he notices how empty the room is. The shelves containing the collection of games they owned are gone and any and all of the arcade games are missing. Their desks and computers are missing and when he looks towards the kitchen he feels a moment of relief to see it looks the same except he soon notices that the Grump art usually decorating the walls and fridge are missing. He feels a sense of dread gnaw away to create a pit in his stomach that makes him feel as though he’s going to double over and throw up at any moment.

Tentatively he steps into the room and continues to look around, pinpointing all of the differences; there’s microphones and recording equipment scattered throughout the large area, sound boards waiting to be used and a musical instrument or two leaning against the walls. In the corner the large corner sofa is still there but so is a flat screen TV that is mounted onto the wall.

Dan doesn’t understand what’s happening; where has everything gone? Why has it all been moved? Where is everyone?

Where’s Arin?

“You alright Dan?”

He hadn’t realized that he had gone into a bit of a daze. Snapping out of it, he turns to look towards the person who spoke and sees Barry standing there, his brow creased with concern. He’s holding a mug of something hot in his hands and Dan wishes he had something to hold onto because right now he’s feeling too lightheaded to think clearly.

“Y-yeah, I think,” he says, gaze still darting around the room, “but where’s the games? Did you guys move them or something?”

When he looks back towards Barry his eyebrows have only further furrowed in confusion as well as concern. He’s watching Dan carefully now, seemingly studying his face for something although Dan isn’t sure what.

“Is this a prank?” he continues to ask, and from behind him he hears a door open, likely the door that leads into the Grump room where he and Arin record, “You know Arin’ll be pissed at you for moving out all of his shit. How did you even manage to move it all?”

Barry’s expression only falls deeper into perplexed worry and the pit in Dan’s stomach is only growing deeper. He feels like his stomach is a void devouring all of his emotions and leaving him a hollow shell that can only feel panic and worry, with both of those emotions knotting together in his chest and causing a lump to lodge itself in his throat. He tries to swallow around it but he feels like he’s choking and when Barry speaks next he’s sure he’s going to throw up.

“Who’s Arin?”

For a moment it’s like time has slowed down and his mind has gone blank. He’s not sure what to say to a question like that because how could anyone forget Arin, the guy who helped bring them all together and rope them into the amazing thing that is Game Grumps. Without him, how would Dan have made such an amazing group of friends and get to have a job doing something he enjoyed while also boosting his music forward. How would he have found his best friend without finding Arin?

“That’s not funny Barry,” Dan says, his voice suddenly low. His tone is a warning as well as the result of the panic building in his chest and threatening to consume him, “If this is a prank it isn’t funny and I want it to stop.”

Barry looks even more worried now, his face twisting into puzzled unease as he bites at his bottom lip. He seems unsure with what to say next and his silence only angers Dan further.

“Barry, this isn’t funny,” Dan repeats and from behind him he hears, “What’s not funny?”

Turning around he sees Brian standing there, an NSP shirt adorning him as he taps away at his phone. He looks up towards the both of them and his gaze flickers between them, noticing Dan’s visibly upset and panicked expression as well as the look of concern written across Barry’s face. His own face falls with confusion as he addresses Dan and repeats his question.

“The prank,” Dan reiterates, his hands coming up to gesture to the room around them, “Removing all of Arin’s things, getting rid of all the games and shit. I don’t know how you did it and I don’t care but this isn’t funny anymore and he’s going to be pissed at you guys for moving all his stuff.”

Since his back is now to Barry he can’t see the small interaction that takes place between them when Brian looks towards Barry, but he’s sure that Barry must have tried to signal to Brian not to ask. Obviously he didn’t understand and Dan feels his heart freeze with fear when Brian mimics Barry’s earlier question.

“Who’s Arin?”

Dan doesn’t want to hear this; after standing there in shock for a moment his panic turns to anger and he turns away from the both of them to head towards the door. He can hear Barry and Brian come after him, both of them calling his name and trying to talk to him but he’s not listening because this isn’t funny and it’s making him feel sick.

He’s at the door in no time and as he’s about to yank it open someone on the other side opens it for him, their expression morphing into one of alarmed surprise when they almost walk straight into him. When they look up he sees that it’s Ross and he only hears his friend ask him what’s up before he pushes past him and strides out the front door. His confused cries of asking what’s wrong mingle in with Brian and Barry’s as Dan begins to make his way down the street, resisting the urge to run.

He doesn’t understand what’s going on; he wants to believe that everything happening is just a stupid prank but none of the facts presented to him seem to be adding up. Why would they take the time to move all of the games and memorabilia out of the Grump space for just one stupid prank? It wasn’t worth it, and if this all was just a sick joke then why would they keep up the act of pretending to not know Arin when they could clearly see how upset it was making him?

Dan’s not really sure how long he walks for, nor does he really realize where he’s walking to, just knows that he has to get as far away from the office as possible. The uneasy feeling in his gut feels like a sea during a storm churning away inside him, enveloping him in nausea that continues to make him feel as though he’s on the brink of throwing up. He doesn’t want to and he swallows around the lump lodged in his throat, willing himself to calm down.

Eventually he finds himself at a park, a place he isn’t too familiar with but is inviting none the less. He makes his way over towards an empty bench that’s perched beneath a large tree, its leaves clinging onto the thin branches instead of accepting their death and falling to the earth below. He feels lightheaded and the panic from before still clutches at his heart tightly, making his breathing shallow as though it’s hard for him to breathe.

After sitting down on the bench, he pulls his phone from his pocket and goes into his text messages, looking for his recent messages with Arin.

Nothing.

There’s no trace of any text messages between himself and Arin, which is ridiculous because he had been messaging him just the other day. There’s no way he would have deleted the messages himself.

His anger only increases when he begins to speculate whether or not Barry or Brian may have deleted the texts themselves as part of their elaborate joke, but why would they go through all of the hassle of doing that? And if they did delete the messages, how did they even get into his phone in the first place to delete them? There’d be no point and yet the text messages are missing all the same.

As the panic begins to claw itself up his throat, Dan moves his shaking fingers across his phone screen until he is looking at his contact list. There are a number of names within his contacts list, all of them in alphabetical order so when he doesn’t see Arin’s name at the top of his list he doesn’t panic. It isn’t until he begins searching through the list of names beginning with A with no trace of Arin’s number in sight that he begins to freak out, his breaths coming in short laboured gasps.

None of this makes any sense and his thoughts are whirling around in his head, causing him to feel faint and dizzy. He bends over where he’s sat down on the bench and resists the urge to puke because that’s a problem he’d rather not deal with at this very moment, especially considering the problem he’s already having to deal with.

He doesn’t want to think about it, doesn’t want to even consider it as a real possibility but he can’t hide away from it either.

Arin’s gone.


	3. III

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year everyone
> 
> Word count: 2,104

He doesn’t understand; how can his best friend have disappeared off the face of the earth? Just yesterday they had been in the Grump space recording games together and laughing about the most random of things. It had been a normal day, nothing unusual about it, but somehow, by means unknown to him, he’s awoken in a world where Arin Hanson doesn’t exist.

It’s not news he can handle, and Dan struggles to regain his breath where he’s bent over on the bench. If he could he would try and think of a rational way for any of this to have happened but with his thoughts spinning out of control and his mind in disarray, he can barely make himself function as a normal human being, let alone puzzle out what’s happening. He sits back and tries to remember the exercises people do when dealing with panic attacks, but it takes him a while to even think of what he needs to do.

Gripping the edge tightly with both hands, he closes his eyes and begins to count his breathing, trying to slow it down. It takes a while and he struggles with keeping his breathing under control but eventually he manages to calm himself down. He still feels lightheaded after it all, his hands shaking where they’re gripping the bench so tightly, his knuckles white from the pressure, but he’s becoming stable again. He allows himself to open his eyes again to the view of the park in front of him and continues to regulate his breathing.

He still doesn’t understand any of it. He doesn’t know what happened that led to him being placed into an alternate reality where Arin doesn’t exist but he knows he needs to find a way back to his own reality. The reality where Game Grumps exists and so does Arin, where he and Arin are friends who play games together and make dick jokes all the time, where they create Starbomb albums together and have fun.

At the thought of Starbomb Dan pauses, realising that if Arin doesn’t exist in this world than neither does their band. It hadn’t occurred to him yet what else may be different in this world but as the thoughts whirl through his brain he realises that if Arin doesn’t exist, then he and Suzy aren’t married.

As if the news of his friend never existing wasn’t enough, now he has to come to terms with the fact that other people he considers friends may also not exist. Burying his head in his hands, Dan holds back a defeated sob at the prospect of all the things he has lost from his world.

He wallows in self pity for a moment before standing up, tucking his phone into his jeans pocket as he does so. Maybe there’s still hope; maybe Arin does exist in this reality but he just doesn’t know Danny or any of the others. Maybe the only difference in this world is that they haven’t met yet.

The thought fills Dan with quelled hope as he makes his way out of the park and back onto the street. He begins walking, hope bubbling within him and knotting itself together with the underlying fear that he may be wrong. He so desperately wants to be right and cling to the hope that even if he and Arin don’t know each other in this lifetime that they can still become friends here, at least if he manages to find him. He doesn’t wish to stay in this alternate reality but if he finds that he has no choice but to stay, if Arin still exists somewhere and they can become friends, then maybe he can try and accustom himself to this new life.

Maybe he can bring his old life to his new one.

-

Standing in front of Arin and Suzy’s home, he can’t help but notice the subtle differences from his life to this one. In this reality the bed of flowers lining the side of the house are gone, replaced simply by flowerless bushes with leaves still green and clutching to the branches, despite the autumn season. The front door, a deep chestnut brown in his life, is now painted a deep sky blue and the knocker is silver instead of gold. If he looks towards the windows he can see that the paintings and taxidermy that Suzy had hung around their house is missing, and it unsettles him to see those characteristic items missing.

He’s probably been standing at the bottom of their drive for too long and is starting to look suspicious to anyone watching. He gathers up what little courage he has to walk up the path towards their house and when he reaches the front door, he hesitates to ring the bell.

What if they don’t live here? What if they do? What are they going to think of some stranger coming up and ringing their doorbell, asking after Arin even though in his reality they don’t even know each other?

There’s obviously only one way for him to find out; he closes his eyes and allows himself to breathe for a moment before he presses the doorbell. He can hear the sound of it ring out throughout the house, the sound muffled by the door. He waits patiently for someone to come, his hands sliding into his jacket pockets to cover how they shake with nerves. If he listens closely he can hear the sound of someone making their way over to the front door. He’s proven correct when the front door swings open in front of him.

It isn’t Suzy, nor is it Arin who stands in front of him. Instead a strange is standing in the same house that his friend and wife live in in his reality, and this stranger has no idea who Dan is or why he’s standing on their doorstep. Their eyebrows crease in confusion as they tentatively ask, “May I help you?”

He tries to school his expression into one of honest confusion instead of revealing his disappointment. Appearing to look behind the person at the interior of their house briefly, he asks, “Sorry, does an Arin or Suzy live here?”

The person stares at him in puzzlement at his question before answering, “No, no one by those names lives here.”

They look as though they are about to ask another question so Dan tries his best to smile apologetically and interrupts them before they can speak, “I’m so sorry, I must have the wrong house.”

Stepping backwards so he can begin to make his way down the front porch steps, he flashes the person another apologetic smile, “Thank you for your time, I’m so sorry for bothering you.”

He leaves quickly, turning away from the perplexed stranger so he can get away from their house. He doesn’t look back as he wanders back onto the street and pulls his hat further down atop his curls, feeling the bite of the day’s cold air.

Without knowing what else to do, he returns to the park he had been at previously and returns to the same bench he had sat at before. He’s not sure what to do with himself considering his predicament, and he sits for a while, watching a group of kids nearby play football on one of the drawn on pitches on the field. His thoughts slow down until they’re practically silent and he allows the distant hum of life to pass him by while he considers his options.

There’s not much that he can really do. He’s in a reality that he doesn’t understand, with his best friend missing and others lost to him as well. The friends he does still have are the same and yet different, like clones of his friends who don’t truly know him or understand the situation he’s currently facing. They don’t know who Arin is and if he even tried to explain that he needs to get back to his world to be with him, they would think he’s insane. Revealing the truth to them would only wind up getting him thrown into an institute, and what good is he locked away within a psychiatric ward?

Sighing to himself, he contemplates his next move. He isn’t even really sure if he has one, which only frustrates him further. He can’t stay in this world, he knows that much, but if there’s no way to leave it then what is he going to do? Settle down in this world and try to live out a normal reality while they live without his existence in his real life?

None of it makes any sense to him and his head hurts from thinking of all of the different connotations of him appearing in this new reality. Time travel and alternate realities have been things he’s been vaguely interested in before, as he’s sure many other people have been, but to actually be suffering with the fact he’s in an entirely new world isn’t something he’s thrilled about. If nothing else it’s giving him a migraine that he can’t shake.

He presses his fingers to his forehead and grimaces at the shooting pain sparking in his cranium. He just wants this day to end.

From his pocket his phone buzzes against his thigh and he reaches down to retrieve it. Turning it on, he’s surprised to see how many missed calls and messages he has from his friends. Glancing at the time displayed in his phone screens corner, he hadn’t even realized how late it was or how long it had been since he had walked out of the Grump office earlier that day.

He glances at his missed call list, noticing how he has four missed calls from Barry, five from Brian and two from Ross. He doesn’t bother dialling any of the numbers to ring them back and let them know he’s okay and instead decides to check his messages.

All of his unread messages are, unsurprisingly, from the three of them again:

**_Barry 11.34am_ **

_where are you Dan? are you okay? we’re sorry, are you alright?_

**_Brian 11.36am_ **

_Are you alright? Where are you?_

**_Barry 11.48am_ **

_Please come back Dan_

**_Barry 12.01pm_ **

_we’re worried about you please come home_

**_Brian 12.06pm_ **

_You’ve gotten us all worried. Come home Dan_

He doesn’t want to upset them, and at the same time it doesn’t feel real. These are his friends and yet somehow they’re also not. It’s like having clones that look, act, and talk like his friends but they’re not _really_ them. He keeps reading the text messages, scrolling through them all as guilt begins to build up in his chest.

**_Ross 1.09pm_ **

_Hey Dan. you’ve really got everyone worried at the minute. Bar and Bri have gone home they didn’t know what else to really do. I’m worried about you too. stay safe dude_

That message causes his chest to tighten; he assumes that Ross’ personality is the same in this universe as it is in his, and that his nice side is beginning to show through because he’s concerned for Dan’s wellbeing. He feels guilt tugging at his heartstrings and he looks away from his phone screen and notices how dark it’s becoming. He hadn’t realized how late it was getting.

He checks the last two messages, both of them again coming from Brian and Barry.

**_Brian 1.58pm_ **

_We’re really worried dude. Stay safe._

**_Barry 2.18pm_ **

_Please come home._

Glancing at the time on his phone again he can see that it’s just gone past three in the afternoon. Dan sighs and shuts off his phone screen, cradling it between his hands as he contemplates what to do next. He’s not sure if he really wants to go back to his and Barry’s place just yet but at the same time he has nowhere else to go. He can’t stay here on the park bench; it’s growing darker by the minute and the cold breeze has begun to pick up, biting away at any exposed skin and making him shiver.

He contemplates going to a local cafe or bar and sitting in there for a while. At least then he could still wallow by himself and contemplate what to do with himself next but he doesn’t feel like sitting in crowded establishments drinking away his problems, be it by consuming caffeine or alcohol.

Without any other choice, he replaces his phone in his pocket and begins to make his way back home. He’ll try to figure out how to return back to his real home later.


	4. IV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Word count: 2,094

It takes him a while to walk home, most probably because he’s in no hurry to return to the place that he and Barry share. He doesn’t want to have to face his friends who he feels are more like imposters and deal with their worry for him, because he knows he can’t explain to them what’s wrong with him. They don’t know who Arin is because as far as they’re concerned, he doesn’t exist, and maybe in this world he doesn’t but in Dan’s world he does.

Which is why he has to find a way back to him.

He slots his key into the lock and makes his way inside, pausing briefly to take out his key and shut the door behind him. He doesn’t feel like shedding his coat or hat and instead leaves them on as he goes through into the living room.

He’s not too surprised to find Barry and Brian sat in the living room waiting for him and he stops in the doorway to the living room, unsure of what to do. Both of them are watching him, both probably looking up the moment they heard the key in the lock, but they make no move to stand or come towards him. They don’t even say anything and the silence and tension in the air grows thick between them as they all wait for it to break.

Dan ends up being the first one to speak, having enough of the deafening silence, “I’m going to bed.”

He doesn’t bother to say anything else and excuses himself to make his way towards his room. Neither Brian nor Barry makes a move to come after him but he can hear them both talking in hushed whispers as he disappears down the corridor towards his room. He knows they’re talking about him but right now he doesn’t care, and he shuts his door quietly behind him to block out the sound of their quiet murmurs of concern.

He doesn’t plan on going to bed, at least not yet, and instead grabs for his laptop that’s waiting for him on his desk. He brings it with him over to his bed and settles himself down to begin searching for answers, hoping that somehow he’ll find a clue that leads him to Arin. He wants so desperately to believe that he may still exist in this world and he hopes that somehow the internet may help to bring him some light on the issue at hand.

At first he begins by searching Arin’s name; the internet turns up nothing and already Dan’s hope is beginning to dwindle into nothing.

_Your search - **Arin Hanson** \- did not match any documents._

_Suggestions:_

  * _Make sure that all words are spelled correctly._
  * _Try different keywords._
  * _Try more general keywords._



He tries again, adding Arin’s middle name but still nothing. He tries searching for Egoraptor, hoping that maybe his internet username would turn up something, but he ends up with the same results as before.

_Your search - **Egoraptor** \- did not match any documents._

_Suggestions:_

  * _Make sure that all words are spelled correctly._
  * _Try different keywords._
  * _Try more general keywords._



Dan doesn’t know what to do; Arin lived on the internet, starting with his animations on Newgrounds before moving onto doing Game Grumps on YouTube. There were no results for his animations or any of his social medias; the internet didn’t even know his name.

Trying to quell the panic quickly rising within him, Dan continues to search. He types Arin’s name into the search engine again and recieves the same lack of results in return. He tries Newgrounds, YouTube, tries to find him on Facebook or Twitter, anywhere. He searches for Game Grumps and gets nothing in return; he can’t even find any mention of Starbomb or Arin’s marriage to Suzy, nothing.

He’s gone.

Dan leans back on his bed and pushes his laptop away from him, the same fear and panic from earlier welling up within him. He can’t even find any mention of Arin on the internet, not a single social media page available or a Wiki article. None of his work is online and going into the image search results turn up empty. In this world, Arin Hanson doesn’t exist and never has and Dan gasps a shuddering breath as the panic begins to claw away at his lungs.

It takes a while for Dan to collect himself and try to fight off the panic welling up within him. He doesn’t want to continue having panic attacks as doing so only results in him feeling drained and he can’t afford to waste time feeling tired and panicking about his situation. He needs to find a way to get back to Arin.

Glancing towards his laptop, he notices that it’s gotten quite late. Neither Barry nor Brian have come to check on him, which he’s thankful for mostly since he doesn’t know what he would tell either of them. His stomach growls though and he realises he hasn’t eaten anything since the breakfast that Barry had made for them both that morning. He doesn’t want to risk going back out into the apartment and having to wade through the living room to get to the kitchen, but he also doesn’t want to deal with hunger pains.

Pushing himself up from where he had lain down on the bed, he strips off his jacket and hat and then removes his shoes, placing the items over by his dresser. He doesn’t want to make too much noise when he leaves his room.

Going over to his bedroom door, he opens it tentatively. It squeaks lightly as he pulls it open so he tries to open it slowly so as not to make a noise. He pauses briefly once he’s stepped outside his bedroom and listens intently, trying to see if he can make out any voices coming from the living room or kitchen. He can’t hear anything and assumes that at some point Brian must have gone home.

Cautiously tiptoeing his way towards the living room, he peeks his head through the doorway and is greeted by darkness. The only light coming into the room is the soft streetlight filtering through the curtains covering their living room window, but it’s only the softest orange glow.

For the most part, the room is dark, and Dan makes his way into the room carefully, manoeuvring his way through until he reaches the kitchen. He doesn’t want to turn on any lights and risk waking Barry up so instead he uses the light of the fridge when he opens it to guide him through what he’s planning to do. He takes a swig from the milk carton, as he is suddenly prone to doing lately, and then sets out on making himself a snack. He figures a sandwich will suffice and begins to make himself one.

It isn’t long before the kitchen light suddenly turns on, light flooding the room and almost blinding Dan who had become accustomed to the dark. He spins round on his heels and is greeted by the sight of a tired looking Barry watching him from the kitchen entrance, his finger still hovering by the flicked switch.

Dan shoots him a sheepish smile, nervous and unsure of how to proceed. He feels like a deer caught in the headlights and is frozen in place, unsure whether or not to move and continue what he had been doing.

Thankfully, Barry doesn’t seem too fazed and simply moves into the kitchen to put the kettle on. Flicking the switch on the kettle to allow it to boil, he moves past Dan and seats himself at the island counter, his hand coming up to cradle his face as he waits for the water to boil.

Dan takes that as he cue to continue what he had been doing and finishes making his sandwich. He leans himself against the counter and begins to eat it, waiting for the kettle to finish boiling and when it does he grabs two mugs from the cupboard and sets them down, starting to make them both a cup of herbal tea.

When he passes the mug towards Barry he nods at Dan in thanks before taking a sip of the hot beverage. His eyes close for a moment, allowing the warm herbal liquid to flow through him before he opens his eyes again and fixes his gaze onto Dan.

“Where did you go earlier?”

Dan hadn’t really prepared any answers for any questions his friends might have for him, but he supposes the truth is just as good as anything else. He chews the mouthful of sandwich he had just bitten into before swallowing and then replies, “To the park. Walked around for a bit, tried to clear my head, sort myself out.”

It’s the truth and from Barry’s expression he seems to realise that. He takes another sip from his mug before asking another question.

“You worried us earlier dude. What got you so worked up?”

That’s a question Dan doesn’t have an answer to. The truth isn’t something he can share without the risk of having his friends in this universe thinking he’s gone insane and so he takes another bite of his sandwich and chews it slowly, trying to buy himself time to come up with a believable lie. He tries not to avert his gaze from Barry’s because he knows it will only give away the fact that he’s going to lie to his friend.

“I was confused– had a weird dream that felt really realistic. Hadn’t quite realised that it was just a dream by the time we got to the office.”

It’s not the best lie but he can’t think of anything better. Barry seems to study him for a moment before deciding to accept what he’s been told. Maybe it’s the fact Dan has already told the truth once that Barry decides to believe him again, maybe it’s that he’s too tired to pry the actual truth from Dan right now. Maybe it’s just that he knows Dan is lying to him but assumes it’s for a good reason and is deciding to let it slide for now.

Whatever the reason, Dan’s grateful to not have any more questions directed his way. He still feels a pang of guilt for making everyone worry though, so once Barry has taken another sip of his tea Dan clears his throat.

“I’m sorry,” he begins, averting his eyes this time to look down at the floor, “I know I freaked everyone out earlier. I didn’t mean to make you all worry.”

When he looks back up Barry’s lips are curling up into a faint smile. He seems pleased with the apology and shakes his head minutely as he says, “It’s okay dude. At least you’re alright.”

Dan returns his smile but his doesn’t feel as genuine. He may appear alright but he certainly doesn’t feel it, especially since he has no idea on how to get back to his reality. He’s stuck here and although he has his friends, it’s not the same as the reality he’s used to and he knows he can’t stay here and leave his old life behind. Still, he’s grateful that the Barry of this universe is just as kind as the Barry from his world, and he’s grateful that he’s as forgiving too.

They finish their tea and Dan his sandwich, and afterwards he places the cutlery into the sink to be washed in the morning. Right now it’s still dark outside and although Dan doesn’t have a watch, he can guess that it’s probably gone past midnight and they’re beginning to venture into the early hours of the morning.

Barry pats Dan on the back with a, “Good night,” stifled around a yawn. Dan repeats the words back to him in a hushed murmur and watches Barry wander over to his room and enter inside, the door closing behind him softly. Dan does the same, entering his own room and peeling off his clothes from the day the moment he shuts his bedroom door.

Exhaustion from the day’s events and the rollercoaster of emotions he’s felt in the last few hours finally catch up with him, and he’s practically asleep the moment his head touches the pillow. He barely manages to move his laptop out of harm’s way before he slips into unconsciousness.

Tomorrow, he’ll try to find a way to get back home.


	5. V

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Word count: 2,623

During the next few days of being in this alternate reality, Dan comes to learn a few things; the Grump office is not the Grump office but is instead the NSP recording studio and hang out spot. Their popularity apparently shot up in this world not by Dan joining a gaming channel on YouTube and having his friends help him during his videos, but when Ross, long term fan and later friend, began to promote them and animate some of their music videos.

He’s sad to find out that the music video for _Dinosaur Laser Fight_ was animated by Ross instead of Arin, although he isn’t too surprised by it. The video still looks amazing, although the art style and some of the frames in the video are different.

It’s not that Ross isn’t a good animator that makes Dan upset; it’s just that that music video was significant in showing the internet that Dan and Arin were friends and was a point to show how their friendship would later bloom into what it became. It makes Dan sad to think even that has been taken away from him in this world.

In this world he also learns that they don’t know Suzy, nor do they know Kevin; he had hesitantly asked Barry if they knew either of them but his friend had only looked as perplexed as he had when Dan had mentioned Arin on his first day in this world. In truth, Dan isn’t even surprised that they don’t know Suzy or Kevin for without Arin, why would they have befriended Suzy? For as long as anyone had known Arin they had known Suzy by default of her being his girlfriend and later wife. And without Game Grumps, why would they have had to put out an advert for an editor?

This news made Dan question how he knew Barry but he didn’t bother to ask. Asking his friend how they even met would only lead to further suspicion and questions directed at him. He thought it best to leave it be.

Another thing he comes to learn in the next few days in this new reality is that none of them drink Monster energy drinks.

“Hey Barry?” he calls out from the living room, not entirely sure where his friend is in their apartment. He’s frozen where he’s standing just inside the living room doorway, his eyes glued to the singular can of energy drink perched upon their living room coffee table. It’s already been opened and even from here he’s sure that he can smell its sweet and sugar filled scent wafting up his nose.

He hears Barry call out to him reply and a moment later he appears in the doorway, squeezing his way past Dan to look at what he’s staring at. From his peripheral vision, Dan can see Barry’s eyebrow raise in question to what he’s seeing.

“Since when did you drink Monster?” he asks, unfazed by the object currently in their living room. Dan, on the other hand, can’t stop staring at the opened can and murmurs, “I don’t.”

Barry turns to look at him then and grows worried. He touches Dan’s arm as a way to try and grab his attention and asks, “You okay man? It’s just a drink. Maybe Brian or Ross left it here.”

Dan knows that’s not true since he knows for a fact that Brian doesn’t drink it and although Ross does, he hasn’t been to their place during the last few days Dan has been here. There’s no reason for the drink to be there, let alone open, and although Barry doesn’t seem fazed by it being there, Dan can’t help but feel entranced by it.

Whenever he and Arin were recording long series that would take them a while to get through, he would drink Monster energy drinks to try and help him get through the sessions. Dan remembers laughing beside him as Arin burped for the millionth time from how much of the stuff he would drink, the sugar cursing through his veins and fizz bubbling in his stomach. The room would always end up smelling of some weird concoction of fruity scents from the different flavours Arin would drink.

The smell of the drink now floods his mind of the memories and he tries to shake himself out of it and bring himself back to the present. Barry’s looking at him with increasing concern but Dan doesn’t want to alarm him or let him know how significant the can of energy drink being here is. As stupid as it sounds, he knows it’s somehow a sign, a sign of Arin and that Dan needs to get back to him.

He just needs to figure out what to do with this sign and how he can use it to get back to Arin.

“I’m alright,” he says almost absentmindedly, stepping forward into the room so he can grab the can off the table, “just got caught up in my thoughts for a minute there.”

When he looks back over to his friend Barry doesn’t seem all too convinced but seems to let it slide. He makes a comment about how they should go into the studio soon, since Dan hasn’t been in for the last few days, and Dan makes a noncommittal noise in return to his suggestion. He doesn’t want to go into the office that’s familiar and yet so vastly different, and he’s been actively avoiding the area the entire time he’s been here. He doesn’t fancy returning to the space any time soon.

Barry leaves the room and Dan continues to study the drink, picking it up and turning it around in his grasp. It’s just an average Monster can, nothing special about it. He brings it up towards his nose and sniffs the open can, letting the familiar fruity and fizzing scent bring back memories of gaming with Arin on the Grump couch.

For a moment he smiles at the memories the smell brings back but he can’t help the churning grief raging in his stomach at the thought of thinking that he may never be able to make those memories again. As long as he’s stuck in this alternate universe, there’s no Arin and without his best friend he doesn’t know what to do with himself. He’s happy that in this life NSP is taking off and he still has some of his friends but it’s not the same as the life he really leads. He misses his friends and doing Game Grumps and above all he misses spending time with Arin, hanging out with him and making stupid dick jokes while gaming together. He misses making music together for Starbomb or doing stupid things, like that time they ate some of that huge gummy bear a fan had sent to them.

His eyes begin to sting with the possibility of tears so he rubs at his eyes to try and push the hopeless feeling away and stop the unushered tears. There’s no point in him standing here crying over a can of Monster energy drink.

Instead of allowing the feeling of hopelessness overcome him, Dan takes the energy drink and makes his way back into his room. He shuts the door behind him, constantly wanting privacy away from Barry and any possible guests they might have while he tries to research and think of ways to return home.

For the last few days he has been in this world he has been researching the lore on alternate realities and what people believe they could be or how they could happen. On more than one occasion Dan’s stumbled upon some fanfiction or other with the scenario of one half of the authors pairing waking up in a world where their lover or friend is missing and has to struggle through getting back to them. He doesn’t take too kindly to the fics considering he’s practically living one and just because the fics have a happy ending doesn’t mean he will. Reality never works out like a written work of fiction.

So far during his research he hasn’t found much; all search engines still turn up nothing for Arin Hanson, Egoraptor, or Game Grumps, and he’s not sure what else to look for. When it comes to trying to find answers to his predicament of being placed into an alternate reality, he still lacks any information that really helps him to figure out why any of this has happened or how to get back. The majority of the websites he’s looked at only speculate as to how any of this could be remotely possible and the majority of what is written is only sci-fi fans theories on the possibilities of alternate worlds and how someone could travel to them. In the end, his research has led him nowhere and has only helped in further frustrating him and giving him a migraine.

Although it isn’t much, somehow he’s sure that the Monster drink appearing in their living room is a sign. It may only be a small sign and he may not be entirely sure as to what it means, but Dan is sure that the drink is somehow a sign of Arin and how he needs to get back to him. It’s small but it’s there, although the longer he looks at the drink, the more he becomes uncertain in his assumption that it’s something of importance.

“Maybe I’m being stupid...” he murmurs to himself, feeling embarrassed all of a sudden, even though the only person to witness his brash assumption is himself, “Maybe one of the guys did just leave it here.”

Sitting down on the edge of his bed, Dan sighs to himself and pinches the bridge of his nose, trying to collect himself. He moves his fingers up to gently rub at his temple to try and sooth the headache building beneath his skull although the gentle touch doesn’t do much to ease the building tension he can feel pressing within his head.

“This is ridiculous,” he mutters to himself, closing his eyes for a brief moment. He certainly feels stupid for getting so excited over a can of Monster but something within him feels so damn sure that it’s a sign of something, he’s just not sure what. He has no idea what it means or if it even means anything at all, and it only helps to frustrate him further and anger him with his incapability to figure out what to do to go back home.

Without giving it much thought he raises the open can to his mouth and takes a swig, allowing the flavourful liquid to coat his taste buds and flow down his throat. He makes an audible noise of gratification as the drink makes its way down his throat and then he’s falling backwards onto his bed, vision spinning and mind going blank as he passes out.

The last thing he can remember thinking is how thankful he is that he sat down before he took a swig of the drink.

-

He isn’t sure if he’s dreaming or not; he can see visions of _something_ he just can’t tell exactly what he’s looking at. There are people beyond his blurred vision and he can hear voices but it’s like hearing them while submerged in water. It’s confusing and none of it makes sense but Dan tries to fight through it, tries to see who the people are and hear what they’re saying.

It takes him a while to figure it out but as his vision slowly begins to sharpen and his hearing begins to hone in on the voices, he realises that he’s in the Grump space. Parts of his vision are still blurred, and if he doesn’t concentrate his hearing starts to leave him, but as far as he can see he’s in the kitchen area of the Grump space.

It all looks so familiar that his heart aches in his chest at the sight of it all. He’s sat at the bench in the kitchen and he can see Kevin at his desk and Ross drawing away on his tablet, occasionally switching from his animation program to Google images to look for references. It all seems so normal and he doesn’t really understand what’s happening; has he managed to return home?

There’s a voice from beside him and his heart skips a beat before trying to beat a mile a minute beneath his ribcage. It’s Arin and when he turns around to look, Arin’s standing there, a can of Monster in his hand that he’s just about to open. He’s smiling and the sight of it hurts Dan’s heart, both elating him in being able to see it again even as worry pricks at his stomach.

“How many cans of that stuff have you had today Arin?” he hears himself ask, raising an eyebrow at his friend. He’s not sure why he asked, in fact he’s not even sure why he’s here; he’s sure he passed out although he’s not sure why and he’s not sure where, but waking up here, seated within the Grump office feels odd, misplaced. Something feels wrong and it’s tugging at his consciousness but he can’t place what the feeling of misplacement is.

Arin laughs beside him and the sound rings out clear like a bell, his own unique laugh making Dan feel like he’s suddenly enveloped in joy and warmth. He tries to shake the feeling of unease that’s creeping up within him and focus on Arin, drinking in the sight of him again after having gone without it for the past few days.

“Don’t worry _Dan_ ,” Arin replies, emphasising Dan’s name, “It’s only my third can of the stuff. I won’t have any more after this.”

He takes a swig from the can and the smell of it hits Dan’s noise like a pungent perfume. He can smell it on Arin’s breath as he leans in towards Dan with a smile.

He could kiss him; right here, in this moment, he thinks about kissing him, how easy it would be to simply lean forward and close the gap separating them and kiss him. For a moment he almost considers it, thinks damn to the repercussions of acting so bold, and almost leans in to press his lips against Arin’s and taste the fruity flavour of the energy drink.

It’s then that Arin burps, right in his face, and Dan recoils even as he begins to laugh.

“Gross dude, so gross,” he manages between his laughter, and when he looks back towards Arin he can see that he’s grinning at him but it’s not quite as sharp as it was a moment ago. In fact, nothing is quite as sharp as it was a moment ago, the colours of the office seeming to dim as darkness encroaches his sight.

He doesn’t understand what’s happening; everything is becoming faint again and the sound of the office, of Arin talking to him, laughing with him, is beginning to leave him. He can’t really hear anything at first, all sound suddenly gone, but the further he slips away from Arin, the more he can begin to hear the sound of voices again, or possibly just one voice, frantic and desperate. It seems so distant now but it’s getting louder and he doesn’t understand, dammit, he just doesn’t fucking understand!

Although Dan tries to cling onto the vision of Arin, tries so desperately to see his face clearly again one last time, it’s a fruitless effort; eventually he succumbs to the darkness, and he allows it to pull him under and take him away from Arin once more.


	6. VI

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> decided I'm just gonna post all the chapters I've written so far and any chapters I haven't written yet will be posted when they're finished
> 
> Word count: 1,631

Dan doesn’t wake up straight away, his mind too cluttered with forgotten memories and his head pounding with a raging headache. He feels groggy and disorientated and he realises hazily that he’s being gently yet desperately shaken, with someone beside him calling his name frantically. He tries blinking a few times to try and clear his vision and after a few blinks it returns, the ceiling of his bedroom coming into view, as well as the panicked expression adorning Barry’s face.

He’s not entirely sure what’s happened; he remembers sitting down on his bed and taking a sip from the Monster can, then suddenly he was seeing things. Dan’s pretty sure he wasn’t having premonitions of the future and if he thinks hard enough, he’s pretty sure what he saw was something that’s happened before.

He realises bleakly that what he saw was a memory. While in the dream he had almost thought that he had somehow made it back home but lying on his bed with a worried Barry hovering over him, he realises that that was a false hope that he had conjured. He hasn’t returned home yet.

“Dan?”

Glancing to the side, he finally makes eye contact with Barry, who has seemingly stopped shaking him upon noticing that Dan is conscious. His expression softens with relief and a hint of a nervous yet relieved smile pulls at the corners of his mouth. He still looks worried but he seems happy to see Dan conscious again after he apparently blacked out.

“Are you okay?”

Dan’s not really sure. He goes to speak but his tongue feels heavy in his mouth and for some reason his mouth feels dry, even though he’s positive he took a sip of the energy drink just a moment before.

Speaking of said energy drink, Dan’s also pretty sure he can feel it trickling towards his head where he’s lying atop his bed. He must have spilt it when he went down, and flicking his gaze to the side he can see the fizzy liquid making its way towards him as a dark patch across his blue bed covers.

“Up,” he manages, his voice hoarse. How long had he been out for for that to happen? He clears his throat and tries again, looking back towards Barry to signal for his assistants, “Help me up.”

Barry does so swiftly, hauling Dan up by his offered outstretched arms. Dan’s head spins the moment he’s sat up and he bends over quickly, trying to make himself breathe evenly and let the wave of nausea pass. Barry waits patiently beside him and reaches over to rub his back soothingly until Dan sits up again, slower this time, his composure more intact.

He looks towards his bed and gives a sigh, realising that he’ll have to change the covers. If nothing else he would rather crawl under the covers and wallow by himself before falling asleep, but with the state of his bed at the moment, he knows that’s not a possibility. Not to mention the fact that Barry is watching him with mild concern flickering across his features; Dan’s sure that Barry won’t let him out of his sight now after finding Dan passed out like that.

Standing up from his bed, Dan steadies himself against Barry before telling his friend that they need to change the bed. Barry nods and tells Dan to go find some fresh bedsheets while he starts stripping the current ones off of his bed. Dan can’t help but shoot him a grateful smile before exiting the room, wanting to get out of the space to clear his head for a moment.

When he returns with fresh sheets, Barry’s already halfway done with stripping the bed, placing all of the dirty sheets into a pile in the corner of the room by the door. He graces Dan with a small smile upon his entry and they both set to work with removing the rest of the bed covers and then replacing them with the fresh ones, both of them working together in comfortable silence.

It’s rather nice, if surreal, but Dan appreciates the small labour that’s allowing him to focus on something other than the spinning thoughts and memories in his head. He’s still not ready to deal with the memory he was confronted with just moments ago and so he’s trying to push it to the back of his mind for now, keeping it as a thought to visit later when he’s alone.

He’s also grateful that so far Barry hasn’t tried to question him on what happened because in all honesty Dan isn’t sure, and he’s not yet sure on what he should tell Barry about the situation. It was bad enough that his first day in this world Dan began screaming at people, asking them where Arin was, a person they didn’t even know, and now just a few days later he’s passing out and hallucinating. He doesn’t exactly want to have to admit that not only did he freak out at seeing the can of energy drink because he thought it was a sign of his reality calling for him, but that by taking a sip of the drink it caused him to black out and recall a memory from his life with Arin.

It sounds crazy even to him, and yet this is the reality he’s facing. There’s no way in hell that Dan wants to even try to inform Barry of this truth, but he’s struggling to come up with a convincing lie.

When the bed is finally made, Dan gathers up the sodden bedsheets and heads for the kitchen. There’s a door that leads to a small utility room where their washer and dryer are kept, and he piles his bedsheets into the washer and leaves them to soak and clean. He thinks he’s thought of something to tell Barry and upon leaving the utility room, he finds Barry waiting for him in the kitchen, his hip leaning against the island counter. His arms are crossed across his chest and he’s looking at Dan with a mixture of expectancy and worry.

Dan doesn’t speak first; there’s a moment of pause until Barry finally asks, “What happened Dan?”

He wishes his friends didn’t care, at least not the friends in this universe. He knows that they’re still the same people, the same friends, and that they care about him as deeply as he cares for them, and at the same time he still seems them as clones, alternate versions of the people he knows. Although standing before him, looking concerned for his friend, is Barry, Dan can’t help but see this Barry as someone else. He may be Barry but he isn’t _Dan’s_ Barry, the one from his reality, and that’s what makes it all so hard. Because Dan wants to confine in him and let him know what’s happening, but at the same time this isn’t the same friend that he knows in his universe, and allowing this one to understand the full extent of the truth would be dangerous and stupid.

Even though he’s Barry, he’s not Dan’s Barry. And so Dan plasters on a reassuring smile and tries to reply as nonchalantly as he can, “I’ono man. Think the stress of working on the next NSP album has just caught up with me in the past few days. I haven’t been getting much sleep; maybe that’s why I passed out. I’m just exhausted.”

It’s a believable lie and even if Barry doesn’t fully believe it, it’s not something he can really argue against. He bites at his lip in thought but seems to accept Dan’s excuse, pushing himself away from the island counter to give Dan a small smile. He turns into the kitchen and proceeds to put the kettle on and asks if Dan wants a hot drink after having passed out, to which Dan gratefully accepts. A nice cup of tea could really do him some good.

While Barry’s busy making them both a drink, Dan slips away back to his room. He shuts the door quietly behind him so as not to alert Barry and looks around his room. He can’t seem to see it at first but then he notices its end poking out from beneath his bed frame, having obviously been dropped once he passed out. It probably rolled out of sight and they both didn’t notice it, which is hardly surprising.

Bending down, Dan reaches out and picks up the now empty can of Monster. He holds it in his hand, feeling the now empty weight of it as it rests in his grasp, and he reflects back on the memory drinking the drink caused him to remember. Seeing Arin again brought him both a sense of elation after having not seen him the past few days, but also brought him a sense of sadness that he couldn’t quite shake. For a moment, he had almost thought he had made it home; it hadn’t seemed likely, but seeing Arin and hearing him talk, laugh, and be his ridiculous self had made Dan feel like maybe waking up in this alternate reality had just been a horrifying dream. In the end, this was still his reality and Arin, at least in this world, still didn’t exist.

Dan’s grip on the can tightens, the sound of it crunching and buckling beneath the pressure of his grasp making him feel satisfied. He stands up, intending to make his way back into the kitchen to rejoin Barry. But as Dan stares down at the empty energy drink can, he swears to himself that he will find a way to get back home.

He will find a way to get back to Arin.


	7. VII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Word count: 2,085

The days are beginning to drag on and Dan’s beginning to feel his hopelessness eat away at him, making him feel hollow inside. It’s been almost a week and he’s still found no way of returning to his universe and it’s frustrating him to no end. He’s beginning to have moodswings because of it all, with him one moment being silent and hardly responsive to his friends, and the next moment lashing out at them and snapping at them if they try and pull him out of his weird mood.

It’s led to them becoming both increasingly worried but also suspicious of him, which only upsets and frustrates Dan further because he doesn’t want to hurt his friends, and at the same time these people aren’t his real friends. His real friends are waiting for him in his universe, or perhaps they don’t realise that he’s gone; perhaps in his universe they don’t realise that he’s missing, or maybe time hasn’t continued without him there. He doesn’t want to think so highly of himself that having him placed into an alternate reality would stop the progression of another, but he wants to consider it a possibility none the less.

He sighs and takes another sip of his tea, glancing out of the large windows at the front of the cafe. Barry had mentioned going into the studio again the previous day, having told him not to go in on the day of the Monster can incident, but Dan still doesn’t want to return to the office space. It was too familiar and yet too vastly different for him to begin to feel comfortable there and try to act normally, and so he had avoided the place altogether.

In his absence, his friends had begun to visit him more frequently at his and Barry’s place, which caused him to feel a mixture of emotions. On the one hand there was a comfort in seeing familiar faces in his living room, all of them hanging out and chatting, discussing the upcoming NSP album, yet on the other hand it was disconcerting sight to see. There was just a feeling of unsettledness at having Brian, Barry, and Ross all together in his living room without also having Suzy, Kevin, and Arin.

If this were happening in his world he wouldn’t be as fazed, as he would know that they were all probably at their respective homes or at the Grump office. But since he didn’t know Suzy or Kevin in this world, and here Arin didn’t even exist, it unnerved him to see his friends group hanging out at his place as if nothing were amiss. At least for them, nothing was amiss, but for Dan, everything was different, and he had no idea how to tell any of them that, which was why he kept lashing out at them at random. He couldn’t tell any of them what was wrong, but keeping it all bottled up inside was breaking him; if Arin were here, he would have told him in a heartbeat, but if Arin were here, he also wouldn’t be in this predicament in the first place. It was a frustrating and vicious train of thought.

Sighing to himself again, he takes a sip of his tea and continues to stare out of the cafe windows. He’s seated on one of the stools right in front of the window, his arms propped up on the counter in front of him, and he’s been here for the past hour or so. He’s on his second cup of tea and he’s sure his friends have tried calling and messaging him, but he’s turned off his phone so he can’t be alerted to their panicked questions asking where he is. He just wants to be alone.

Taking another sip of tea again, he looks away from the window for a second to glance down at his cup. A quite noise of satisfaction leaves his lips after swallowing and he glances back up and out the window in front of him, only to feel his heart stop beating in his chest. Across the street from him is Suzy, standing by the curb of the road and texting on her phone. She glances up and looks down the street as if waiting for something, but he gaze quickly returns to her phone, fingers flying across the screen.

Dan can’t believe his eyes; he had assumed that there would be no way for him to see Suzy in this universe and yet here she was, standing before him in all of her beauty just across the street from him. Part of her hair is pinned up into two small buns, with the rest of it flowing freely around her shoulders and her makeup, as always, is immaculate. Dan feels surprised but happy to see that even in this universe Suzy has a strip of blonde in her hair, although he isn’t sure why she has it. It almost gives him a flicker of hope that maybe Arin does exist in this world and this was the universes way of showing it, but he squashes that feeling deep down within him, not wanting to cloud his thoughts over with false hope.

He’s still staring at her in disbelief, possibly looking like a weirdo to anyone around him who was noticing his staring, but he can’t bring himself to care. Suzy is here, in the flesh, in front of him, and seeing her again makes him feel so light inside he can’t even begin to express it. He can feel a small smile itching its way onto his face but it falls quickly the moment he sees her begin to head away down the street.

Leaping up quickly, he sprints out of the cafe, the bell above the door jingling loudly as he does so. He can’t lose her; maybe she’s part of the key to getting him back home.

Making his way across the street and through the throng of people walking up and down the pavement, he tries to keep his sights on her. He occasionally loses view of her but then she appears again, her hair flowing behind her as if beckoning for him to find her amongst the sea of people. In this moment she’s his guiding light amongst a storm and Dan clings to the vision of her as if she were a lifeline saving him from drowning.

It doesn’t take long for him to reach her; he powers his way through the masses of people and calls out her name, worrying when she doesn’t hear him at first and he has to call out to her again. The second time she does hear him, and she spins around to face him, her hair whipping around her gracefully as she spins on her heel.

When he reaches her he feels breathless, his eyes widening at being in front of her and seeing her up close again. He doesn’t even know what he is going to say; _“hi, hello, I’m your friend in an alternate reality and I’m hoping you can help me return to it so I can hang out with you and your husband and our other friends again?”_ As if that would go down well for him at all.

He realises he must be staring as her expression starts to become increasingly uncomfortable. He snaps himself out of his trance and manages to stutter out, “H-hi, I’m Dan.”

She seems worried and afraid, her brow furrowing quickly in confusion. She manages to mask her expression into one of indifference and her face hardens as if to show Dan that she isn’t afraid of him, a stranger, and would take him down if need be. It makes him feel hesitant to speak, as he doesn’t want to say the wrong thing and upset her further.

Just as he opens his mouth to try and say something else, she interrupts him before he can begin, “How do you know my name?”

It’s almost like being stuck in the gut, although at the same time Dan was expecting this sort of reaction. He’s trying to think of a clever lie that will at least leave her not feeling too worried or uncomfortable, since having a tall stranger coming towards her in the street and yelling her name probably wasn’t something that really made her feel safe.

He gapes like a fish for a moment, his brain working quickly to come up with a reply that won’t freak her out, but in the end he can feel himself deflate. By the surprised expression on her face, he can tell that she notices it too. He shakes his head before ducking it, obscuring her view from his face as he feels tears begin to well in his eyes. He blinks them back quickly, not wanting to appear any stranger than he already is, and when he feels he’s got himself under control he raises his head and plasters on a wobbly smile. Dan knows his eyes must still have the glaze of tears but he can’t bring himself to care and instead replies, “I’m sorry, I thought you were a friend of mine. I got it wrong, I’m so sorry.”

She seems deeply puzzled and almost concerned for Dan, if her expression is anything to go by, but he simply smiles at her and turns to walk away. He feels stupid for chasing her down the road and scaring her like that, but he had felt overcome with joy at seeing her and hope at the possibility that maybe she was part of the key to getting him home. Now he realises that it was ridiculous of him to think like that and to chase her down like this; the Suzy of this world doesn’t know him and coming after her like he just did isn’t going to make her want to.

There’s a hand on his arm that stops him from walking away and when he turns around he’s surprised to see Suzy gripping his arm. She has a determined look in her eye and her expression gives away that she seems to be battling with herself as to whether this is a good decision or not, but she says to him anyway, “Wait Dan. Just- wait.”

He turns back around to face her, his eyes watching her closely. He isn’t sure what’s happening but as her grip falls away from his arm, having regained his full attention, she straightens herself and looks straight into his eyes as she says, “I don’t know you and I don’t know how you know me, but you seem- you seem like a good guy. You look- stressed? Worried? I can see that something’s wrong.”

The hope he had felt a moment before has suddenly flickered to life within his chest and he can feel his expression morphing into one of delighted shock. Suzy continues with what she’s saying and although Dan is listening, he also can’t help becoming distracted by his increasing feeling of hopefulness, something he hasn’t felt for the entire time he’s been stuck in this universe.

“Anyway, I just- you seem like you need some help. Maybe I- maybe I can help you with what you’re dealing with.”

He doesn’t mean to but he can’t help himself as he bends down slightly and wraps her up in a bruising hug. He’s grateful beyond words and he can’t begin to even express the hopefulness rising within him, filling his heart and inflating his lungs. He feels as though he’s ready to burst but he tries to restrain himself as he feels Suzy pat awkwardly at his side, seemingly unsure of what to do now that this stranger she’s decided to help is hugging her.

He lets her go and steps back a bit to give her some room, although he can’t help the huge grin taking over his face; he can feel the tears welling up in his eyes again but he blinks them back, not wanting to cause more of a scene than he already is. Suzy smiles uncertainly at him but it’s a genuine smile all the same, he can tell. Seeing it makes his heart squeeze tightly in his chest and he wipes quickly at his eyes with the back of his hand, knowing that right now he probably looks crazy.

“So,” he begins after composing himself, his smile never faltering, “do you want to go get some coffee?”


	8. VIII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Word count: 3,828

Dan walks Suzy to the nearest cafe and they enter and place their orders at the counter together, both of them more quiet now that they’re in each other’s company properly. Suzy still looks nervous and unsure of her actions to help Dan but she stays by him none the less, accepting her order of coffee and waiting for Dan to receive his tea before they make their way over to a free table.

When they sit down, they have another moment of silence between them, the air holding an almost awkward tension to it since in this world, Dan is simply a stranger to Suzy and not a close friend. It hurts him to know that although Suzy is with him here, it’s the same situation with his other friends; although they’re his friends, they’re not his friends from his world. They’re like clones or doppelgangers, the same but not, and knowing this only makes him feel all the more alone. Still, the Suzy of this world is just as kind and helpful as the one from his, and right now Dan feels that he can use a friendly face who doesn’t know him well enough in this universe to judge his actions.

Suzy takes a sip of her coffee and gives an audible sigh of content. When she looks up towards Dan her eyes seem focused and she folds her hands on the table in front of her, her fingers interlocking with each other. He can tell that she means business and so he sits up straighter in his seat, turning more so that he’s fully facing her and giving her his full attention.

“Okay Dan,” she begins, although he interrupts her quickly to say, “Most people call me Danny.”

A flicker of a smile graces her face and her eyebrow cocks in amusement. She corrects herself before continuing.

“Okay, _Danny_ , I want to try and help you with whatever seems to be troubling you. First things first though, what exactly _is_ troubling you?”

Dan hesitates for a moment before taking a sip of his tea. He averts his eyes from her as he replies, “You probably wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”

She doesn’t seem happy with his answer, he brow furrowing and lips turning into a pout. She runs her index finger around the rim of the coffee cup absentmindedly and responds, “Well I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s wrong. The truth can’t be so unbelievable that I couldn’t try to understand it.”

He pauses at that, unsure of what to say. He obviously can’t tell her the entire truth about the situation because he knows he would sound insane, but on the other hand if she’s willing to help him, a complete stranger, than perhaps it would be best to reveal the truth. Not all of it, because he would still sound crazy and it would probably drive her away, but perhaps if he revealed some of the truth and twisted it slightly to be more understandable, then perhaps she would be able to help him better.

He mulls his answer over in his mind quickly, his fingers rubbing against the handle of his mug unconsciously while he thinks. Eventually he takes another sip of his drink, trying to buy himself more time, and settles on a half truth that may be more convincing than he’s been transported from his reality to this one and in this place of existence, his friend doesn’t exist at all. No, he settles for a lie that’s as close to the truth as he can manage and when he looks up, Suzy is watching him expectantly, waiting for his answer.

“I have this friend,” he begins, fingers still playing with the handle of his tea cup as a way to distract himself, “who’s gone missing. I need to find him and I think he’s left me clues on how to do that, but I need to find all the clues first to find out how to get to him.”

He looks away from her for a moment before continuing with, “I’ve already found one clue but I don’t know how to find the next,” he feels his lips twitch up into a sad smile and in this moment he can’t help but feel both lost and hopeless. He just misses Arin and wants to go home, and before he realises it he admits, “Even if I find all of the clues, I’m not even sure if they’ll lead me back to him. I’m not sure if they’ll take me home.”

Risking a glance back up towards his friend, he notices that Suzy seems to be deep in thought. Her expression displays an array of emotions, starting with sadness, pity, and then sympathy, before landing on deep contemplation. She looks focused and determined and he’s not sure why, which makes him feel slightly nervous for what she has planned for him after what he’s just admitted. He drinks more of his tea to distract himself, all the while watching her and waiting for her response.

In the end her only response is, “I’ll help you find your friend.”

Dan isn’t sure what to say at first, taken aback by how willing Suzy is to helping him with his situation. For all she knows he could be lying to her, and in a way he kind of is, but she seems to trust him and believe what he’s telling her. He’s grateful for it and he can’t help but smile thankfully. He reaches across the table and places his hand over hers, surprising her slightly by doing so. She looks into his eyes and he hopes that he’s able to convey just how much this all means to him and by the way she begins to smile back, he thinks he does.

-

They talk some more after she agrees to help him with his quest to find his friend again, and surprisingly enough Dan finds that it’s quite easy to talk to Suzy. She tells him about her modelling and her taxidermy, as well as the paintings that she does. Even in this universe she still makes jewellery to sell, the beautiful butterfly and moth wings encased in gold to adorn peoples necks and he smiles at the news, happy that she isn’t too different from his Suzy.

Talking to her is almost like having his Suzy here with him, even though he knows that’s not true. Still, she’s Suzy none the less and he finds it’s less like speaking to his Suzy’s clone and more like meeting Suzy again for the first time, expect this time instead of being introduced to her through Arin, he’s met her for a charming coffee date. It’s strange and surreal but pleasant none the less and he can’t help but smile the entire time that they sit and chat together.

After she tells him about what she does, she asks him about his hobbies, what he does for a living, all the usual questions someone would ask when meeting someone new for the first time. He smiles at her and tells her that he’s a musician, a singer for his band and her eyes light up with awe. She asks him what kind of music he sings and he feels a tinge of embarrassment when he admits his songs are basically him making dick jokes with his friends. He’s relieved when she laughs and asks to hear some of his songs. He’s thankful he has some of them recorded on his phone and she pulls out some earphones from her bag and they share an earbud each and listen to the music across the table. Suzy cracks up at the songs and Dan watches her with a fond smile.

She tells him she loves the music and she makes him promise to give her a copy of his work. He agrees and they continue to chat for a while longer until they both notice how dark it’s become outside. With a flush of embarrassment at not noticing the time, they swap numbers and promise to meet up again soon. As they walk out of the cafe, Suzy turns to him and gives him a determined look, her finger poking into his chest as she says, “We’ll find your friend and bring him home, don’t you worry. We’re on the case!”

She’s grinning up at him and he feels a warmth settle beneath his ribcage. He leans down and wraps her up in his arms, pulling her close to him and enveloping her in a warm hug that he hopes shows how much he appreciates all of this. Her friendship alone is making him feel more comfortable than he’s felt the entire week that he’s been here and he smiles into his shoulder.

This time, unlike earlier in the day, she wraps her arms around him and hugs him back, squeezing hard. He thinks that she understands just how much all of this means to him and in this moment she acts as his comfort blanket, hugging him back and making him feel whole for a moment. He’s more thankful for that than he can even try to begin to explain, and he smiles when he feels her kiss his cheek goodbye.

He watches her as she makes her way down the street, a small smile still adorning his face. She glances over her shoulder once and spots him and waves quickly before turning back around and continuing her journey home. He hopes that she makes it home safe and then turns to walk back home himself.

-

When he gets back to his place, it’s late; outside is dark and the wind nips at his skin, turning his cheeks and nose red while he tries to keep his fingers warm by shoving them into his jacket pockets. For the majority of his stay he’s been walking everywhere, even if it means he has to walk great distances to get anywhere. He just hasn’t wanted to bother any of his friends for lifts and he also hasn’t wanted to nick any of their cars for his own personal use, especially without asking them first. If nothing else, he’s just been trying to avoid his friends as well as avoid getting in their way, because he doesn’t plan on staying in this universe and he doesn’t want them worrying over him when he knows that eventually he’ll leave them and go home. Just because he’s been stuck here for a week doesn’t mean that he plans to stay any longer; he has to get back to his reality soon.

Walking up to his front door, he slots his key into the lock and makes his way inside, shutting the door behind him to separate himself from the cold breeze outside. He hangs up his coat and removes his shoes, the elation of having met Suzy today, as well as her agreeing to help him, still buzzing within him and making him feel like he has a chance at getting himself back home.

He smiles, thinking about seeing everyone again, of seeing Arin again. Dan’s sure that when he does get back to his world that the first thing he’ll do is let Arin know just how much he means to Dan, as well as how much he enjoys spending time with him. Whether they’re together platonically or romantically, he doesn’t care, because as long as he has Arin with him he’ll be happy until the day he dies. All he needs in his life is Arin beside him, and after meeting with Suzy in this reality, he feels that he may be a step closer to making that happen.

After hanging up his coat and putting away his shoes, Dan wanders into the living room, only to stop short upon the sight that greets him. Barry, Brian, and Ross are sat in his living room, all of them looking pensive where they’re sat on the sofas. They look up when he walks into the room and he feels, not for the first time, like a deer caught in the headlights. The room is silent except for the dull sound of the television playing some show, but none of them are paying any attention to it; all eyes are on Dan.

Brian is the first to stand and he crosses his arms across his chest. His expression is stern, and although Dan is used to him looking like that, he knows that in this moment his expression is genuine and not a facade of his character. He feels the happiness from earlier begin to fade, instead being replaced with an unsettling feeling that twists in his gut and makes him feel nauseous. He tries to put on a blank expression, waiting for the others to say something first. He can feel the underlying tension in the air and he’s not prepared to travel onto shaken ground just to find out what they want to say.

“Dan,” Brian begins and Dan looks at him, focusing his attention on him fully. He isn’t sure what to expect from his friend but he doesn’t like the tone of Brian’s voice as he begins to speak.

“You’ve been acting very strange lately and it’s begun to worry us,” he begins, his expression still stern but Dan can see the flicker of worry dancing in his eyes. It only makes Dan that much more unnerved for what’s to come.

“You’ve been avoiding the studio- don’t deny it- and it feels like you’ve been avoiding us too. Last week you were your regular self and yet this week something changed.”

Brian runs a hand through his hair and scratches at the nape of his neck. Dan doesn’t bother to say anything and waits it out, allowing Brian to collect himself and continue with what he’s saying. It’s not like Dan hasn’t been expecting this sort of thing to happen; what with his moodswings and constant avoidance of the studio and his friends, he’s not surprised that they seem to be holding an intervention for him at the moment. He knows they’re just concerned for him but he also know this isn’t real. This isn’t his reality or his friends, not really, and he can’t explain that to them. He needs to get back home and he doesn’t want to waste time making music and hanging out with these people when he knows doing so won’t bring him any closer to getting back to Arin.

“You’ve not been yourself Dan, and it’s making us- we’re worried about you. We want you safe but- I mean, with your moodswings, and the time you got angry and lashed out at us and then disappeared for a few hours. Not to mention the other day when you apparently blacked out?”

Dan looks behind Brian towards Barry now, his eyes squinting accusingly at his friend. Barry holds eye contact with him for a moment but eventually ducks his head and looks away. Dan hadn’t realised that Barry had hold the others about his incident with the Monster drink, although at least they didn’t know that him drinking the drink and passing out were related; that would only make the situation stranger for them to deal with.

“I was exhausted,” Dan replies, looking back at Brian now. His voice is deadly calm but he can also hear the hint of defensiveness laced within his words; he just hopes that Brian doesn’t notice.

By the way Brain’s expression hardens, Dan’s sure that he did notice the defensive tone. He steps closer to Dan and continues with what he’s saying, “We care about you Dan, everyone in this room cares about you, and we don’t want to see you go through what you’ve been through in the past. We don’t want to see you become some sort of shell of the amazing person you are, and it’s not fair of you to put us through the emotional strain of it all either.”

It clicks in Dan’s head then that Brain is accusing him of taking drugs again. He hasn’t accused him directly and simply come out and asked him if he’s doing drugs again, but Dan can tell that he’s heavily implying it. The thought makes Dan feel sick and he recoils from Brain, stepping backwards and through the doorway of the living room.

“The... what? Brian, what-” Dan’s not even really sure how to reply to his friend after being accused of something like that. He hasn’t touched any type of drug in years and he’s deeply insulted that his friend would even think to accuse him of going back to them after being sober for so many years. He’s never wanted to go back to taking drugs and having Brian insinuate that he’s taking something again makes Dan sick to his stomach, not to mention deeply infuriated by the allegation.

He can feel his face harden and he practically snarls when he finally composes himself enough to form a reply. He looks at the three of them individually as he speaks and he hopes he gets the message across of how deeply insulted he is that they would insinuate that he was on something, let alone actually _believe_ that he was on something in the first place.

“I’m not _on_ anything,” he all but growls, teeth clenched tight together, “and I am _deeply_ insulted that you would even _think_ that Brian.”

He points his index finger at Brian, feeling the rage boil within him, but he tries not to let it flow free. He doesn’t want to cause a scene and start an argument so he tries to suppress his burning anger and compose himself to speak calmly.

“I’m not a kid anymore. I’m not the same guy you met who was in his twenties without a clue what he was doing and was wasting himself away on drugs. Don’t you _dare_ try to accuse me of going back to them.”

Dan lowers his finger and looks at them all individually again. Barry’s head is hanging low and Ross isn’t looking at Dan, his eyes averted to the side. Brain is the only one still trying to keep eye contact with him, but even through his stern expression Dan can see the guilt in his eyes that’s beginning to wash over him. He’s still putting on a brave face but Dan can see he’s cracking.

He looks back to Brian and holds eye contact, pausing for a moment before finishing with, “I thought you’d know me better than that to even think of saying something like that. I thought you knew me better.”

Dan doesn’t bother to stay in the room; he turns on his heel and makes his way towards his room, not caring what his friends have to say in response to what he’s just said to them all. He can feel the sting of tears but he doesn’t want to cry. When enters into his bedroom and shuts the door behind him though, he can’t help but begin to cry, all of the pent up emotions of the last week finally being released.

If he could scream he would, but instead he leans against his door and slides down the wooden frame until he’s sat on the floor. He bites at his lower lip, trying to contain the sobs wracking through him, but a noise of distress, frustration, and loneliness still escapes, with all of the emotions washing over him like a tidal wave in a storm. He feels so alone in this world and he misses his friends. He misses Arin and it’s been a week without him and Dan still hasn’t found a way to get himself back home, back to his reality where Arin exists. He’s frustrated with himself for not being able to find a way home yet, but he’s equally as frustrated at the universe for having done this to him.

Why did any of this have to happen to him? Why did he have to wake up in an alternate reality where his best friend, one of the few people that he loves the most, completely gone from his life? Why does he have to deal with friends who aren’t really his friends, who are people that are accusing him of taking drugs again? Why did any of this have to happen to him?

Why did he have to have Arin taken away from him?

Bringing his legs up to his chest, Dan wraps his arms around his knees and buries his head against them. His shoulders shake as he finally allows himself to cry and let go of all of his pent up emotions, and he muffles his sobs into his clothes. He hopes that none of his friends in the living room can hear him, and yet another part of him can’t even bring himself to care. The only thing he really cares about is getting himself back home to Arin, and he hasn’t even managed to do that. In the week that he’s been stuck in this alternate reality, all he’s managed to do is push away his friends and make them suspicious of him, and he’s found no solution as to how to get himself back to his reality.

He’s tired of being here; he misses Arin and he just wants to go home. He doesn’t want to have to deal with this cruel alternate reality anymore. He’s tired of it, of all of it.

He just wants to go home to Arin.

-

Hours pass by before Dan finally manages to calm himself down. After sobbing for an endless amount of time he finally settles, only small, wet hiccups interrupting the silence of his bedroom. He tries to listen for anything outside his room but he can’t hear the voices of his friends and assumes that they’ve gone home and that Barry has gone to bed. There was a moment that he thought Barry had come to his door but he must have heard Dan sobbing on the other side, so he never bothered to knock and come in. Dan’s thankful he didn’t’; he wouldn’t want Barry to see him like this.

With exhaustion clinging to his bones and making his muscles feel heavy, Dan drags himself up off the floor and makes his way over to his bed. He strips out of his clothes sluggishly before crawling beneath his covers and finally allowing himself to succumb to sleep.

Just as he begins to drift into unconsciousness, he thinks of Arin. He tries to remember the sound of his voice and the shape of his smile, what he looked like the last day that Dan saw him before he woke up here. He lets the images of his friend fill his mind until his tried brain, at last, falls silent and he drifts into an exhausted sleep.


	9. IX

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Word count: 3,664

Dan feels like shit the moment he wakes up. He feels drained and unsettled and he lies in bed for a while, thinking about the night before. He still can’t believe that Brain would accuse him of being on drugs again; even in this universe he assumed that Brain would know him better than that and would never assume Dan had gone back to doing drugs. It just wasn’t something that he would do.

He sighs, knowing that he can’t exactly stay locked away in his room wallowing in self pity. The others will become even more suspicious of him and if he doesn’t leave his room, he’s sure that someone will come barging into it sooner or later anyway.

Throwing back the covers, Dan rolls his way out of bed, landing on his feet like a cat. He stretches and decides to have a shower and so he exits his room and grabs some towels from the linen closet and makes his way into the bathroom. Through the entirety of the shower all he can feel is numbness; not even the hot water spraying over him and loosening his muscles can snap him out of his void mood this morning and, in all honesty, he can’t bring himself to care.

When he finishes his shower and towel dries himself, he returns to his room to get dressed. He feels like a zombie as he makes his way through getting dressed, picking out a pair of underwear and socks and putting them on, then picking up his discarded jeans from the floor and pulling them on as well. It isn’t until he opens his shirt drawer in his dresser that he feels he really wakes up, but that’s debateable considering he also feels as though his heart has just frozen in his chest.

In the corner of his drawer is a shirt, folded and piled atop other shirts, except this one isn’t his. It’s a shirt that he recognizes, but he knows that it isn’t one of his shirts because it’s Arin’s.

The shirt itself is black, with the Sailor Moon logo written across it in Japanese. The bust silhouette of the main character is to the side of the writing, and her hair flows out behind her and behind the text. Dan remembers Arin mentioning how it was his favourite shirt and that’s when Dan realises that this is another clue leading him towards Arin. If this is anything like the first incident with the can of Monster, Dan’s sure that by touching the shirt, he’ll pass out and regain a memory of Arin.

He doesn’t think about it as he reaches out and gathers up the folded material in his hands. He assumes he’ll pass out instantly the moment he comes into contact with the shirt but he doesn’t, and his brow furrows with confusion. Just in case, Dan makes his way over to his bed and sits down, not wanting to risk passing out while standing up. The only problem is, holding the shirt doesn’t seem to be doing anything to him and he frowns, worried that perhaps this isn’t another sign and it’s just a shirt in his drawer. The only thing is, he remembers Arin mentioning how this was his favourite shirt, and Dan’s pretty sure he wouldn’t have brought this shirt for himself anyway, regardless of what universe he was in.

Beginning to feel his hope slip away, he holds up the shirt by its shoulders and allows it to unfold itself. It doesn’t seem any different from any other shirt, but then the can of Monster hadn’t seemed any different than any other energy drink. It wasn’t until he had drunk some of it that he passed out.

Feeling lost, Dan lowers the shirt and places it into his lap, unsure of what to do.  He doesn’t understand how these clues work, or why they make him pass out and recall memories of Arin. He’s sure that somehow they’re a sign but they don’t seem to really help him in any way to figure out how to return to his reality. They just make him feel hopeless and lost as to what to do.

Unthinkingly, Dan reaches out to touch the logo, swiping his fingers across the symbols that spell out the name of the show. He only gets a moments warning from a tingling sensation in his fingertips before he’s falling backwards onto his bed, his head spinning as everything suddenly goes dark.

At least he passed out on his bed again.

-

He isn’t surprised this time when he begins to hear voices and see the image of something blurred in the distance. He doesn’t fight it and allows the vision to come to him slowly, his hearing sharpening first so that he can hear the sound of Arin talking to him and the tapping of buttons of a game controller. There’s the sound of a game coming the television and as his sight begins to focus in and sharpen, he realises that he’s in the Grump recording room. Arin is sat beside him on the sofa, his eyes trained on the game in front of them, but he’s still talking to Dan, voice calm and soothing to Dan’s ears.

His heart begins to ache as he looks around the room and takes it all in; the shelves against the walls holding all of their games, the recording equipment and telly in front of them, Arin beside him whose face is twisted in concentration. It’s all so familiar and he feels as though his chest is going to burst from the feeling of longing welling up within him. He misses being here and doing this; he knows now this is just another memory and that he still hasn’t returned home, but he tries to push the thoughts aside and turns to face Arin. He wants to take in as much of Arin as he can before he wakes up in the alternate reality again.

“You know,” Arin says from beside him, and Dan watches as he removes one hand from the controller and pulls absently at his shirt. A smile crosses his lips as he continues, “this is my favourite shirt.”

“Hm?” Dan hums in response, leaning his head against his hand. He continues to watch Arin, focusing more on him than the game at hand. He wishes that he could control himself in these memories; since they’re only memories, he knows that he’s only repeating his actions and words from the first time this event took place and that he has no control in changing what he does or says. The only thing that is different is that he still has control over his thoughts and emotions, but he knows that he may not be emoting the same emotions he is feeling right now, but is probably emoting what he had felt then, when this memory first occurred.

If he had control over himself in these dreams, he’d lean forward and cup Arin’s face within his hands, bringing him closer to him so he could press his lips against his friends. Even if it weren’t real, Dan would take the opportunity to kiss his friend now, even if when he eventually gets home Arin would still be the same, unknowing of the thoughts and feelings that Dan keeps locked and hidden away from him.

“Hmm,” Arin hums back, hand returning to his controller, “It’s so comfy dude. And it has this awesome design on it so of course it’s my favourite shirt. It’s so damn cool.”

Dan smiles at Arin, a sad sort of happiness enveloping him as his friend turns to look at him with a smile tugging at his lips. His smile turns into a grin and it’s like the sun has come out from behind the clouds, the sight of it making Dan almost forget that he’s only in a memory. Arin’s smile is so full of warmth, and Dan’s sure he has never seen anything more beautiful.

Darkness begins to encroach on his vision then, the edges beginning to look as though black ink was spilt across his sight. It’s a strange thing to see as his vision begins to unfocus, the sight of Arin’s smiling face beginning to blur while black tendrils make their way across Dan’s vision. He wants to fight it, wants to continue staring at Arin’s smiling face, but he knows that fighting this won’t do him any good. He knows he won’t win.

As his vision leaves him and his hearing fades into nothing, he waits to return to consciousness. The last thing he hears before slipping fully into the darkness is Arin saying his name.

-

When he wakes up he’s alone in his room. Apparently Barry didn’t hear him pass out this time and Dan’s grateful for it, since he apparently ended up informing Brian and Ross about his passing out incident from before. If he had found him passed out a second time, Dan’s sure they would most definitely assume that he was taking something.

Sitting up, he sees that he’s still holding the shirt, the material bunched up in his grasp where it lays in his lap. Touching the logo on the front does nothing now and he sighs, thinking back to the vision he just saw. He still misses Arin and his heart aches within his chest just thinking about him and how long Dan has been without him now. A week has already passed him by and he’s still no closer to getting home.

Dan tries to shake the bad mood from him, not wanting to allow his depressing thoughts get the better of him. He at least has Suzy helping him now and with her help, he’s sure that he will be able to make his way back home. He just has to find another clue and then maybe he will be able to return to his universe.

The only problem was that so far he has found two signs, two things that remind that Arin exists, and yet neither of the clues shed any light on how he can get back home. The only thing that either of them has done is make him pass out and remember something, but they haven’t shown a way for Dan to return to his world. It frustrates him to think about it and he sighs, rubbing a hand over his face in aggravation. He just wants to go home.

Standing up from his bed, he pulls the shirt on over his head and smoothes the material out over his slim frame. It’s a little big for him but he isn’t too surprised considering the shirt isn’t his, and he grabs a jacket from his wardrobe to throw on over it. He’ll put his shoes on when he gets to the door.

He still needs to eat breakfast and his stomach growls in agreement. Running a hand through his mess of curls, he wanders out of his room and makes his way into the kitchen. Barry is sitting at the island counter eating some cereal and reading something on his phone. He glances up briefly towards Dan and then does a double take, eyebrows rising in amusement as he looks at Dan’s shirt.

“Since when did you watch _Sailor Moon_?” Barry asks, nodding towards Dan’s shirt. He glances down at it and runs his hand across the logo, feeling a smile tug at his lips thinking of Arin. He’s never watched the show himself, but Arin’s mentioned in parts what it’s about. He shrugs in response to Barry and says, “Just liked the look of the shirt. Haven’t got stuck into the show yet.”

Barry nods in response and glances back down to his phone. Walking into the kitchen, Dan pops two pieces of bread into the toaster and gets out a knife from one of the drawers and the butter from the fridge in preparation. He leans against the island counter and waits for the toast to pop out. Barry clears his throat from behind him and Dan turns his head to look his friend’s way, noticing the almost nervous expression crossing his face.

“I was thinking,” Barry begins, not looking at Dan as he talks, “that maybe we could go into the studio today. I don’t want to pressure you, I just- I think it might do you some good.”

Dan stares at him, uncertain of how to reply. On the one hand he defiantly doesn’t want to go into the office, a place familiar and yet so vastly different, and on the other hand he can’t continue to avoid the place and his friends. They’re suspicious of him already and it isn’t like he does anything when they all go to the office together; Dan just ends up wandering around the city aimlessly, sitting in the park until he gets cold before he wanders over to a cafe and stays there for a while.

Maybe going into the office will do him some good. At the very least it will reassure his friends that he’s at least trying to make an effort in being sociable with them again. Maybe if he goes into the office he can try and act normal around them and try to think of a way to get home.

Worrying that he may have been silent for too long, Dan manages to respond with an, “Okay,” before he turns back around to collect his toast as it pops free of the toaster. He’s sure that he can feel Barry watching him but he doesn’t turn around as he butters his toast and begins to eat it.

When he does turn back around to face his friend, he can’t help but notice the small smile adorning Barry’s face as he continues to gaze at his phone screen. Dan sighs to himself, his own lips wanting to twitch up into a small at making Barry happy, but he suppresses the urge and instead goes out into the hallway to put his shoes on.

He isn’t thrilled at the prospect of going into the office; he just hopes that it’ll serve as a good distraction while he tries to figure out what to do next.

-

As they arrive at the office, Dan is reluctant to get out of the car. He looks at the building, so unassuming from the outside, and contemplates returning to his apartment instead. The only thing that stops him is Barry’s hand squeezing his shoulder before he climbs out of the car, and Dan sighs to himself before following suit.

He isn’t surprised by the shocked expressions on Brian and Ross’ faces when he walks in behind Barry into the office area. They both look up when he and Barry walk into the room, and the moment they spot sight of Dan they pause in whatever they’re doing and stare at him in bewilderment. He just lifts his hand and gives them both a small wave as a greeting, not bothering to say anything.

After last night, he still hasn’t really forgiven them for their accusations, but he tries to remind himself that they’re just concerned for him. Not only that, but these aren’t his real friends anyway; they’re just doppelgangers of his friends, clones of the people he knows from his reality. The thought makes him feel sad but it brings him some comfort as well.

Striding into the room, he goes over to the large sofa in the dented corner of the room. He flings himself down onto the familiar seats and settles himself down, not really sure what they want from him while he’s here, and not feeling very willing to help them. He reaches for the remote on the coffee table in front of him and turns on the flat screen mounted on the wall so he can begin flicking through the channels.

Out of his peripheral vision he can see Barry talking to both Brian and Ross. Dan’s sure that Barry’s probably saying something about him although he isn’t entirely sure as to what, but when he sees Ross try to subtly glance his way, it only helps to confirm his suspicions that they’re discussing him. He tries to ignore them and focus his gaze back onto the TV in front of him.

Everyone in the office goes about their business, mostly leaving Dan alone. He’s not sure why he’s there and he begins to feel bored rather quickly. Although he doesn’t want to put in the effort of helping anyone or socialising with any of the people in the room, he also doesn’t like how he’s being ignored by everyone. He can feel them stealing glances at him at random, as if they’re waiting for him to do something. He feels like a zoo exhibit and he doesn’t appreciate the feeling, but he also isn’t willing to try and break the silence in the office or try to clear the tension that hangs heavy in the air.

As a way to try and cure himself of his growing boredom, Dan digs his phone out from his pocket and finds Suzy’s name. Since they seemed to get on so well yesterday, practically like a house on fire, Dan hopes that his texts to her will be well received. He shoots her off a quick text and waits for a reply.

**_Dan 11.03am_ **

_been dragged into the office, boredom is setting in fast_

He puts his phone down on the sofa cushion beside him, turning his attention back to the show playing on the TV. It isn’t long before his phone buzzes on the sofa cushion beside him with a reply from Suzy.

**_Suzy 11.03am_ **

_That sucks. Do you not have any work to do or is that what’s making you bored?x_

Dan smiles, happy he got a reply so quickly. He wonders if she’s at work or not; since she does both modelling and taxidermy, he assumes that maybe she’s working at home doing a taxidermy job, which is why she’s able to talk to him. He types out a reply and hits send.

**_Dan 11.04am_ **

_not sure about any work, workmates ignoring me. things are awkward_

He’s not sure how much to tell her. On the one hand he could be completely honest and brief her on how his friends have become concerned for him and believe he’s on drugs again, but on the other hand he doesn’t want to overload her with too much personal information. It’s only been a day since they met and it would be too much to dump all of that information onto her.

His phone buzzes again in his hand and he reads her new text message.

**_Suzy 11.06am_ **

_Bummer. No way you can opt out of work today?x_

Dan huffs at the text and replies.

**_Dan 11.06am_ **

_In all honesty I’m considering it_

He’s not kidding; a part of him is thinking about getting up and walking right out of this office. There’s no point to him being here and he doesn’t like how everyone is ignoring him and won’t look at him unless they think he isn’t looking. He’s tempted to get back up and just walk out and go to the park or find a cafe to hide in until it gets too late to stay outside. It sounds like a better idea than staying here.

Dropping his phone on the sofa beside him, he rubs the heels of his palms against his eyes and then runs his fingers through his hair. He can feel irritation bubbling up within him, but he tries to ignore the feeling so he doesn’t end up snapping at someone for looking at him. He doesn’t need his new found moodswings to further his friends suspicions of his none existent drug activities.

Beside him his phone buzzes, but the vibrations send it toppling over the edge of the sofa and onto the floor. Dan hears the crack of it hitting the wood and then the slide as it glides across the ground. He curses and bends over to see the floor; when he doesn’t see his phone right away he sighs and gets onto his knees to look beneath the coffee table and sofa.

Looking beneath the coffee table shows nothing, so he turns his attention towards the underside of the sofa and sees his phone has skidded beneath it. He lays his hand as flat to the ground as he can manage and then slides his hand along the floor until he can reach his phone. He slides his fingers over the screen once he reaches it and begins to pull it out from beneath the sofa when his eyes catch sight of something else beneath the sofa.

Dan isn’t sure what the thing is, but it’s small and looks like a figurine. He uses his phone to try and skid it closer to him, manoeuvring his phone over to the object so he can use the phones edge to drag it closer to where he can reach it. In the end he uses his phone to smack the figurine until it skids out from beneath the sofa and Dan sits up, peering down at it curiously.

It’s the little Shovel Knight amiibo that Arin had gotten and made a promotion video for. Dan would recognize the little thing anywhere, as it was part of the large collection of figurines that Arin collected.

Without thinking, Dan pockets his phone and reaches down to pick up the little amiibo. He picks it up and brings it up to hold it in front of his face and it’s only seconds later that he finds his vision blurring, his mind whirring and making him feel dizzy.

As his vision goes dark and he falls back down towards the floor, all he can think is how he regrets not sitting down on the sofa first.


	10. X

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Word count: 2,877

Dan’s senses feel shot to all hell and for a moment he doesn’t fully realise what’s happening; the world around him is blurred and soft, the colouring of it all not really there yet, and he almost feels like he’s submerged in water. He can hear voices, someone laughing, but it isn’t coming to him just yet and his head hurts as he slowly tries to understand what’s going on.

It takes him a moment but as his vision sharpens he realises that he’s having another vision. He almost forgot about finding and picking up the amiibo, and as his hearing comes back to him, starting with a slow ringing that clears into understandable sounds, the throbbing in his head reminds him that he fell to the floor and possibly hit his head when he went down. He knows that’s not going to be fun to wake up to, but he tries to ignore all of that for the moment as Arin comes into focus in front of him.

Arin turns his head to look over towards Dan and he’s grinning, teeth on display and eyes bright with joy. By looking around quickly, Dan can see that they’ve just finished filming the promotion video for the Shovel Knight amiibo, with the little figurine itself being held in Arin’s grasp. Ross talking to Suzy and Barry, all of them laughing together as Arin makes his way over to Dan and holds up the little figurine in front of Dan’s face.

“Look at how cool this thing is,” he says, spinning the small statue around by its base where he’s holding it between his pinched fingers. Although Arin is watching the small figure turn in his hold, Dan can’t help but watch Arin’s excited face instead, smiling to himself at the childlike glee dancing across his features. When Arin glances up towards Dan he’s grinning with excitement and Dan wishes he could cup Arin’s face and kiss Arin’s grinning face until Dan’s grinning with him.

Of course he doesn’t, because he never does act on his impulses to kiss his friend or do anything romantic with him that isn’t them joking around. Dan wouldn’t risk their friendship like that and he wouldn’t want to disgrace Suzy and Arin’s marriage either. He holds both of them too closely to ever even try and come between them because of his own selfish desires.

“It’s so awesome we got to make a promo video for this,” Arin continues, looking down at the figurine again. Already Dan is beginning to see the black tendrils creeping in along his vision and he knows that this memory won’t last much longer. He almost feels like crying because of it; he misses Arin so much and he’s right in front of him, barely a breath away, and yet Dan can’t touch him, can’t feel him, can barely sense him beyond what his own mind can remember of the day this event took place. He curses himself for not paying closer attention and soaking in more of the scene, for not paying attention to how Arin smelt that day or how his skin felt beneath Dan’s fingers. He wishes he could remember those things but he barely can.

He’s thankful when Arin looks back up at him, his beaming face a beautiful sight before Dan’s vision is completely taken over by the darkness.

-

Everything feels confusing when he begins to come back to himself. Coming out of the memory feels like being pulled away from something safe and when he begins to regain consciousness, all he can hear in the distance is muffled, panicked voices. He thinks they’re calling his name and as his sense return to him, he can feel that he’s being shaken urgently, the persons grip strong where it holds his shoulder.

Head lolling to the side, he hisses as a spark of pain makes itself known in his cranium as well as a dull pain throbbing in his nose. He reaches up to touch his nose and someone calls his name, sounding frantic. He decides then to try and open his eyes and he does blearily, his sight not yet in focus. He blinks a few times in the hopes that everything will begin to focus and after a moment everything does, and he winces at the sight before him.

Crouching around him are Brain, Barry, and Ross, all with concerned expressions adorning their faces. Barry’s hands are hovering around Dan’s raised arm and Brain is the one shaking him, although he’s stopped upon seeing that Dan’s conscious. Ross has a phone in his hand as if he’s waiting for the signal to call someone and Dan wonders if they were thinking about ringing an ambulance. He’s positive it wouldn’t have done any good if they had.

As he draws his hand away from his nose he sees thin blood covering his fingertips. For a moment it doesn’t register with him as to why there’s blood but as he reaches back to feel at his nose, he begins to feel the clogging sensation of tissue up his nostrils and his fingertips stroke hesitantly at the drying blood caking his mouth and the space between his mouth and nose. He can feel the blood on the tissues and he assumes that it must still be flowing since the tissues are still wet in the areas closest to his nose.

Everyone has fallen silent since Dan opened his eyes and he looks round at them all dazedly, not entirely there. He doesn’t bother to say anything and tries to hold back the urge to cough, the blood that must have spilt down his throat from the nosebleed tickling the back of his throat. He tries to sit up but they all move as if to keep him lying down. He notices that his head is lying against a pillow and he wonders how long he’s been out for.

He lies down for a moment longer, trying to get his bearings. Out of the corner of his eye he can see that Ross has gotten up to go and get him a glass of water and Dan tries to sit up again, swatting off Barry and Brian’s attempts to keep him down. He scowls at them and they retract their hands, Barry doing so instantly while Brain hovers, scowling back at Dan before he retracts his hands and lays them in his lap.

Ross returns and hands the water over to Dan who takes the glass gratefully, a quite, “Thank you,” said before he gulps the water down. He’s thirsty and the liquid coating his tongue and throat is like a blessing.

They’re all watching him as he drinks, and when he pulls away from the glass he gives an audible noise of satisfaction at having quenched his thirst. He places the glass down beside his thigh and then looks back up towards his friends, taking in all of their anxious and expecting faces. Brian’s expression, of course, is one of concern but his expression is hard; he’s trying to be the authoritative one in the situation, Dan can tell, and he waits for his friend to speak up. He’s pretty sure he knows what Brian’s going to accuse him of anyway.

Brian looks straight into his eyes as he begins to talk, lips thinned into a straight line. Barry looks nervous where he’s sat to Dan’s left but Dan doesn’t bother to look towards him and continues to hold Brian’s gaze instead, waiting for him to speak.

“Dan,” he begins, voice hard but steady, as though he’s caught his child doing something they shouldn’t be. Dan doesn’t appreciate the tone and his eyes squint with disdain, although he still doesn’t bother to speak.

“You can’t hide this from us anymore Dan,” Brian goes on to say, voice even and his tone creating the implication of a teacher scolding a child, “You told us you weren’t doing drugs but can you really expect us to believe that after what just happened? You just blacked out for fuck sake, for no reason, and you’ve given yourself a nosebleed and probably a concussion for it.”

Dan hates this. He isn’t on anything and he hates that his friends believe that he is. In a way he isn’t entirely surprised because the way he’s been behaving lately, as well as the black outs, all point towards him taking drugs again but he would never do that and he wishes his friends would believe that. It makes him feel sick and angry that they don’t believe him and yet a small part of him can’t help but sympathise with them; they’re scared for him and he wishes he wasn’t making them worry over him like this, but it’s not something he can control. The truth is far bigger than they realise and it’s something he can’t tell them because it sounds insane, he knows it does. The reality of the situation sits heavily within him and it’s his burden to bear, something he can’t share with any of them.

It only makes everything that much harder, because if these people were his real friends from his reality, perhaps he would let them in and let them help him, but in this reality they’re not quite the same people. With each of them there’s an element of difference with their personalities and how they act and think, and he can see it each time he sees them. It’s how he knows these people aren’t really his friends.

Knowing this, he goes to stand. He knocks away Brian’s hand that reaches out to grab at his shoulder to keep him seated, and he stands up on shaking legs. He composes himself the best he can as the rest of them scramble to stand up with him and he shoves past them all, heading for the door.

“Don’t try to fucking run away from this Dan!” Brian practically shouts, rage evident in his voice. Barry tries to grab for Dan’s arm but he simply shakes him off, wanting to get away from them all. Ross grabs for his hand and tugs, spinning him around and Dan glares down at him, fed up with all of them, with everything. He’s fucking tired of being in this world, tired of trying to figure out how to get back home. He misses his friends, his _real_ friends, and he misses getting to work with them all on Game Grumps. He misses laughing with them all, he misses being on the show and playing games, and he misses Arin. Fuck, he misses Arin so much that it physically _hurts_ and he’s so goddamn _exhausted_ of having to wake up and face each day in this reality without him. He just wants him back but if he doesn’t find a way to return to his world then he’ll never be able to see Arin again.

With fury boiling away within him, Dan rips his hand out of Ross’ grasp, but doesn’t manage to move in time to avoid Brian grabbing for him and shoving him against the wall. His head practically ricochets off of the wall behind him and he hears both Barry and Ross yell out his name in shock. They step forward to pull at Brian’s arms but he ignores them, his grip on Dan’s shoulders tightening to the point that Dan’s sure there’ll be fingerprint sized bruises along his shoulders.

His head lolls on his shoulders and he tries to make sense of the world again; his vision blurs for a moment and he worries that he really is suffering from a head injury. He can feel blood trickling from his nose and he’s just thankful that he hadn’t bothered to remove the tissues yet.

Brian’s face is contorted in anger and Dan feels a pang of fear well up within him. An angry Brian isn’t someone Dan wants to become acquainted with; the few times he’s seen Brian truly angry the anger has usually been directed towards someone else, or if it was directed at Dan then it was only a mild form of anger, one that motivated Dan to quit the drugs once and for all. This version of a rage induced Brian is something new entirely; his whole face is red and his crystal blue eyes show the depth of his fury, with all of it directed towards Dan. he almost audibly gulps but he wants to stand his ground and so he does, his hands coming up to try and push Brian away. Unfortunately, Brian’s stronger and he doesn’t budge.

“This isn’t funny Dan!” he practically spits in Dan’s face, lips pulled back over his teeth as though he’s snarling, “We’re worried about you and you’re treating this like a fucking _joke_! Can you try and take this fucking seriously? You’re ruining your life again and you won’t even admit it!”

“Because there’s nothing to _fucking admit_!” Dan hears himself scream back, outraged at the accusations pouring forth from Brian’s mouth. He can’t fucking take it anymore and he just wants to get away from it all.

Brian hauls him forward only to slam him back against the wall. Ross and Barry are standing hesitantly either side of Brian, both obviously wanting to intervene but both too scared to move forward and help Dan. He’s not sure whether he resents them for their cowardice, but he focuses his attention back on Brian and reaches up to shove him away. He places his hands on his friend’s chest and pushes with all the force he can muster, practically shoving him away. Brian stumbles slightly but barely moves otherwise.

“I never thought you’d go back to doing drugs again Dan,” Brian says, voice seething and words laced with venom that drips disappointment. His grip on Dan’s shoulders tightens and Dan hisses through his teeth against the pain.

“I thought you were better than this. I thought you’d gotten past the dark shit, I thought you were in a better place. I thought you’d moved on and knew how to fucking handle yourself when shit got rough. I thought you were smart enough to ask us, your friends, for fucking _help_ if you needed it, but instead you just cave like a fucking coward and go back to the shit that tried to ruin your life before.”

Dan doesn’t want to hear any of this; it would sting less if what he was saying what true, but it only hurts more that Dan knows he isn’t doing any drugs and yet his friends accuse him otherwise. He can’t believe how quickly their trust disintegrated, how little faith they have in him that when they see him behaving this way the first thing they assume is that he’s back to doing drugs.

He hates them. He hates them all and the feeling rolls around within him, churning like a stormy sea.

“Fuck you,” he spits, voice low like a growl. He can’t even look at Brian and when he pulls Dan forward and slams him back against the wall, it’s like a flip has been switched; without even thinking about it, Dan swigs for him, his clenched fist coming up to connect with the underside of Brian’s jaw.

He can hear Barry and Ross gasp in horror when the cracking sound of Dan’s fist connecting with Brian’s jaw rings through the air like a clap of thunder, and Brian loses his grip on Dan’s shoulders, stumbling back in shock. His hand automatically comes up to hold the swelling area of skin and he winces the moment his fingertips touch the sore spot. He looks up at Dan in shock and doesn’t move towards him. Barry and Ross still haven’t moved save from stepping even further to the side, out of the way of Brian and Dan’s paths. They don’t want to get caught up in the fight, but they’re both anxious for their friends, worry gnawing away at them. In this situation they feel helpless, Dan’s sure, but he still feels a pang of resentment towards them since neither of them bothered to step in and drag Brian off of him.

The air in the office has shifted, with everything having fallen silent. The only sound audible in the air is the sound of Dan and Brian’s jagged breathing and the whirring of any machinery still on. In the background, Dan’s sure he can still hear the faint buzz of the telly around the corner.

Straightening himself, Dan pulls the tissues out from his nose and stuffs them into his pocket. He can feel a trickle of blood leak from his nose but he doesn’t care and he glares over towards Brian, who’s still watching him warily, his rage seemingly simmering down since being hit. Barry and Ross are frozen in place and Dan looks at them all individually, hatred bubbling away within him.

Without giving any of them a backwards glance, he moves past all of them and makes his way over to the front door of the office. The sound of the door slamming shut behind him as he exits the building is almost deafening as it rings loudly throughout the room.


	11. XI

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sad things lie ahead
> 
> Word count: 4,038

He doesn’t really know where he’s going or what to do with himself once the door to the Grump space slams shut behind him. Anger, hatred, and a sense of defeat churn within him, making him feel lost and frustrated with what to do with himself. He hates that he’s stuck here, hates that these people accuse him of going back to drugs after he fought so hard to become sober all those years ago. He hates how little trust they have in him and he hates that he’s stuck in this world with them and without Arin.

He hates how alone he feels without Arin.

Dan can almost feel himself deflate at the thought. The feeling of missing Arin gnaws away at him, creating a hollow feeling in his chest that almost makes him feel as though he’s crumbling in on himself.

Vision blurring with tears and eyes stinging, he rubs at his eyes with the back of his hand and he takes a deep breath, trying desperately to collect himself. He doesn’t want to break down in the street crying over everything but he’s exhausted both mentally and physically. The dreams, or memories, however brief, leave him worn out and disorientated, his mind wiring from seeing visions of his life played back before him in the form of events that he can remember.

He wishes he could remember the memories more clearly; although it isn’t something someone consciously thinks about, he wishes he had paid closer attention to the details at the time, but he didn’t and it hurts him to see everyone again and remember the day and what was happening but not remember everything. He hates seeing his friends but not remembering how they smelt that day or how their skin felt against his. He hates he can see Arin laugh but his laugh, however familiar, is distorted by forgetfulness of what happened.

It leaves the memories almost jagged, making them both a relief to be able to see his friends again and yet a torture that he can’t remember them as clearly as he once did. Dan just wants to get home to them all so he doesn’t have to focus too hard on remembering them as though they’re something he’s lost and can’t get back.

Making his way down the street, unsure of where to go, his body is on autopilot while he thinks. Right now he just wants to get away from the office where he left his friends, but he knows he doesn’t have many options available to him in lieu of hiding places. If he goes back to the apartment then Barry will find him and bombard him with questions and worries, possibly even calling round Ross and Brian to try and talk to him again. He obviously can’t return to the office and he doesn’t really fancy making himself homeless and staying on the streets or making himself broke by living in some hotel.

Sighing to himself, Dan reaches up to run his hand through his hair and winches the moment his fingers touch his head. He almost forgot about the possible concussion he’s given himself and threads his fingers through his hair carefully, ruffling them lightly so as not to pull at his sore scalp. He winces all the same when his fingers brush over the tender area again.

Within his jeans pocket his phone buzzes, and the vibrations almost startle him as sensation against his thigh snaps him from his thoughts. He reaches into his pocket to retrieve his phone and almost feels like hitting himself for forgetting to reply to Suzy. With everything that happened, he had forgotten that he had been texting her in the first place.

Opening the unread messages, he quickly flicks through them, starting with the reply he had gotten from her earlier that had sent his phone toppling over the sofa.

**_Suzy 11.06am_ **

_If you can do it man, do it. No point staying if they’re being rude!x_

He smiles as he reads the message, familiarity seeping across his chest and filling him with warmth. Of course she would say something like that, trying to cheer him up and encouraging him to do what was best for him. Even if this world, she was his Suzy.

Flicking through to the next message, his smile begins to fade and guilt begins to wash over him as he reads the growing worry in Suzy’s texts.

**_Suzy 11.09am_ **

_Dan?x_

**_Suzy 11.14am_ **

_I don’t know why but I’m getting a bad feeling. Hope you’re okay x_

He checks the most recent text and his lips tug up into a small smile. He hates that he’s worried her, but reading the text makes him so grateful that he found Suzy in this universe; he’s glad that he has a familiar friend who still cares about him.

**_Suzy 11.53am_ **

_Give me a shout so I know you’re okay xx_

Moving his fingers across the screen, he quickly formulates a reply. He stops in his tracks where he’s standing in the street, not caring when people bump into him to get past him, and waits for Suzy’s reply. When his phone buzzes in his hand with a response, he reads the directions and works out how far away the location is and how long it will take him to get there. He shoots back a quick reply, fingers flying over the screen as he repeats the directions to himself in his head.

**_Dan 11.54am_ **

_thanks Suzy. I’ll see you in a mo_

Dan checks the directions one last time, committing the route to memory. He pockets his phone, his hands shoving into his jacket pockets, and sets out in the direction of Suzy’s house, excitement bubbling away within him.

Maybe she can help him figure out how to finally leave this place and get back home.

-

He almost feels nervous when he arrives at her house. It’s strange to think that she lives in this house when she lives in a completely different one in his universe. Granted, in his universe she’s also married to Arin wherein this one she isn’t. He wonders if her ending up living in this place has any correlation with the fact that Arin doesn’t exist in this world; if he did, would they be living in the same house that they live in in his world?

Shaking his head, Dan straightens his posture and makes his way over to the front door. Nerves still gnaw away at him as he lifts his hand and pulls the knocker back on the door to tap it against the wooden frame three times in rapid succession. As he waits for someone to come and answer, he ducks his head and tries to listen to the sounds of the house within. For the most part all he can hear is silence, then suddenly all he can hear is the sound of footsteps thudding towards the front door. He’s almost startled when the door is practically ripped open and there stands Suzy, adorned in the most gothic loungewear Dan’s sure he’s ever seen.

Her pyjama bottoms are black with purple bats flying across them and her feet are covered with fluffy black socks that have silver interwoven into the fabric, making them shine as she walks. She’s got a black hoodie on and one hand is shoved into the joint middle pocket. He smiles at her when he notices how she still has her face made up immaculately with her makeup, eyeliner wings sharp and skin clear of any imperfections.

“Hey Danny,” she says, soft pink lips spreading into a smile. He can’t help but smile back and for a moment he’s lost in her beauty; it’s almost as if she’s glowing, radiating warmth, familiarity and _home_. She’s just as beautiful in this universe as she is in his and for some reason it almost takes him aback. When he met her in this world he was amazed by her beauty, but something about her now, in this moment, makes warmth spread throughout his chest and settle beneath his ribcage. It makes him feel safe and he almost feels like stepping forward and wrapping her up in his arms.

“Hey Suzy,” he says, stepping through the doorway as she begins ushering him in. He resists the urge to touch her, fingers itching to feel the softness of her skin, her hand held in his. He shakes the thoughts and impulses away, feeling almost surprised at himself for thinking of such things, especially at a time like this. It’s ridiculous and yet somehow the thoughts feel almost natural, like second nature. He stores them away for a later date, trying to concentrate on the present.

“I was worried when you didn’t text me back,” Suzy goes on to say, shutting the door behind them as she steps around Danny and beckons him with a hand gesture as a way to indict him to follow her. He does so willingly, head turning to look around and admire her house. Strangely enough it’s not too different from her house in his universe, minus Arin’s things and a few items here and there. She still has the Haunted Mansion paintings from Disney World hung up on her wall in the living room and as he almost steps on a cat toy, he wonders if Mochi and Mimi exist in this world too.

The thought almost makes him sad; why does everyone else exist in this world except Arin?

Suzy must notice the way his expression falls, because when he looks towards her she’s turned to look at him, brow creased with worry. She’s biting at her lip and he tries not to think about how the small gesture only heightens her cuteness.

He tries to smile for her instead, attempting to reassure her that he’s fine. He’s surprised when she steps towards him and reaches a hand up to brush her thumb beneath his nose, the digit coming away with a smudge of blood across her pale skin. It’s a strange contrast, he thinks absentmindedly, the blood unexpectedly dark against the fair complexion of her skin. Dan wonders how he hadn’t realized his nose had bled again.

“Dan,” she says softly, and he tears his eyes away from the blood to look into her eyes. He bites at his lower lip when he sees the worry etched on her face, guilt washing over him. He doesn’t want her to worry about him; he doesn’t want her feeling bad for him. If anything, he almost wishes she didn’t care as much as she apparently does, because he’s going to find a way back home somehow, and the thought of leaving Suzy alone in this world causes his heart to ache.

He doesn’t want to think about them not being friends; he just hopes that when he returns to his reality that the Dan of this universe will somehow find his way back to this Suzy and befriend her. Thinking about that being a possibility makes the thought of leaving her here more bearable.

“What happened?” she asks and he sighs, averting his gaze while he gathers his thoughts. He tries not to jump when she reaches down to take his hand and leads him over towards her sofa, her hand soft and feeling almost small where his long fingers wrap around hers.

He almost hates himself for thinking about it all, hates that he’s noticing all of these things about her while he’s in this world without Arin. Even in his universe he knew Suzy was beautiful beyond belief, a literal goddess of beauty filled to the brim with warmth and kindness. He saw all these things before, had the same impulses he’s feeling now, but just as he has done with his feelings for Arin, he squandered them down and tried to ignore them.

Now, with Suzy sitting him down on the sofa, acting so kind towards him and holding his hand in hers while he’s dealing with something so much bigger than him, something so much more than he can handle, he almost feels like crying again. It’s a weird sensation to feel so overwhelmed that he just wants to break down into tears, but he takes a deep breath and tries to push aside the overwhelming feeling of everything so that he can focus on Suzy now, in front of him, her thumb brushing across his knuckles before she lets go of his hand and settles back in her chair.

Dan’s sure he must have a glazed look in his eyes, so deep in thought that he’s hardly here in the present. Suzy seems patient with him, not rushing him to speak and staying quite, waiting for him to come back to himself and speak first. After a moment or two of silence, he finally does, blinking away the thoughts shrouding his mind and filling him with a sense of hopelessness and despair. He takes a deep breath and sighs again before leaning his head against the back of her sofa and looking towards her.

“Please don’t think badly of me,” he begins, glancing up towards her. She only interrupts him with a small shake of her head and a soft, “I won’t,” as she waits for him to continue.

“When I was younger, in my twenties and such, I took drugs,” he almost winces as he says it; he’s never felt ashamed of his past but with the recent events, suddenly admitting to his previous years of drug use makes him feel unclean and less worthy. Anger bubbles up within him because he hates that suddenly his past is making him feel this way, but he pushes his emotions aside and continues speaking.

“I’m sober now, have been for years. I decided I wanted to quit and with the help of a friend I did,” he thinks about Brian, a frown pulling at his lips, “With recent events... with Arin, my friend, going missing, I just... I haven’t been myself. I’ve had moodswings and I keep snapping at people around me. From the stress of it all, I’ve even started to black out and it- fuck, it sucks.”

He rubs his hand over his face, suddenly feeling tired. He’s not sure how much of the truth to reveal since he doesn’t want to scare Suzy with everything that he’s saying, but at the same time it feels good to get all of this off of his chest. He’s felt so pent up and suddenly it’s like he’s finally being set free.

“Everything’s so overwhelming. My friends don’t trust me anymore; they’ve even accused me of being back on drugs. It fucking sucks, fucking _hurts_ that they say that, because I wouldn’t even consider it an option and yet they don’t trust me enough to accept that I’m telling them the truth.”

Dan can feel the tears welling up in his eyes but he doesn’t care. A bitter smile pulls at his lips and he rubs his hand over his eyes, trying to dispel the tears before they can fall, as well as trying to give him a reason not to have to look at Suzy.

“I don’t even blame them. With the way I’ve been acting lately, all of the signs point to drugs anyway. If I were in their shoes, I’d probably have my doubts too.”

He can’t look at Suzy; he keeps his hand covering his eyes, rubbing them occasionally to keep the tears at bay. Getting everything off his chest is both a relief and yet it feels like willingly walking off a cliff. Admitting to everything that’s been happening recently to someone who is both a friend and a stranger is terrifying, and yet he can’t stop himself from talking.

“I just- I miss Arin. I miss him so fucking much and I want him back. I want to go home, I want him back and I- I can’t even tell my friends because they don’t _get it_ and they’re all so blinded by their worry for me that they’re not seeing the real problem.”

A sob leaves him then, building in his chest and slipping past his quivering lips. He can hardly stop himself from crying now and yet he’s still trying to hold onto what little sense of control he has, his arm now covering his eyes and his body beginning to curl in on itself. He wishes he was strong enough to keep this all bottled inside so Suzy wouldn’t have to see him break down like this, but he’s not strong enough to do it; he’s hurting and admitting to it has only stripped away what little control he had before to keep all this locked away inside him.

“I miss him so much,” he says, voice barely above a whisper now. He feels emotionally drained in every way possible, a headache beginning to form behind his temple and his eyes stinging while tears run down his cheeks and meet beneath his chin. His arm is still covering his eyes and he feels so small now, his body curled in on itself after his emotional breakdown. He doesn’t want to have to look at Suzy and wishes she didn’t have to witness his meltdown just now, but that’s something he can’t take back. He just hopes that she isn’t too freaked out by it all or judging him too harshly after everything that he’s just admitted.

To Dan’s surprise, he feels her hand reach out and brush against his. He doesn’t pull his arm away at first, too scared to face her, but as she takes hold of his hand and tugs it gently, he eventually lets her remove his arm away from his face. He has to blink away the tears to even see properly, but when he looks towards her she doesn’t seem scared or freaked out. She only looks worried and concerned, her lips forming into a pout, and relief floods through him that she hasn’t turned away from him after everything that he’s just said. He feels so grateful he almost feels like crying again.

“Oh Dan,” she murmurs softly and he sniffs, nose runny after his crying session. She tugs gently at his hand again, trying to pull him forward, and after a moment of hesitation he obliges and lets her pull him across the sofa towards her. He settles against her body as she lies back against the sofa, his head against her chest while she curls one arm around his shoulders and lets her free hand play with his curls. He wraps his arms around her middle and holds her close, needing her close to him. He feels so lost but holding her now feels like clinging to a life raft while lost at sea.

They’re silent for a while, the house draped in silence save for the sounds of life going on without them beyond the walls of the house. Dan can hear the sound of cars as they drive along the road and the rustling of wind blowing through trees and bushes, but the sounds he focuses on is the sound of Suzy breathing beneath him, her breathing soft and shallow. He can feel her chest rise and fall beneath his head and he closes his eyes, drinking in everything about her.

She’s so warm; at every point that her body touches his, he can feel the warmth from her body seeping through to him. In a way he almost feels as though he’s wrapped up in a comfort blanket, shielding him from harm and surrounding him in warmth and affection. She’s been so kind to him in this world, and although he doesn’t fully understand as to why, he’s more grateful than he can express. He doubts he would be so trusting of a stranger as she has been with him, but her willingness to help him and her compassion towards him are both things that he can’t begin to thank her for.

He’s not sure how much time passes before they speak. Suzy speaks first, and he feels her speak first before he really hears what she says, the vibrations of her words felt beneath his ear where it’s pressed against her chest.

“Maybe you should go away for a while,” she begins, voice just as soft and gentle as before. He almost feels a moment of panic strike his heart at her words but he tries to calm himself down and waits for her to continue.

“Maybe being away from your friends for a few days will do you some good. Maybe you can try and find Arin; you said he’s missing, and at the cafe, you said you think he’s leaving you clues on how you can find him. Have you found any other clues?”

Dan takes a moment to think back on what he’s found of Arin’s so far; the Monster energy drink, the Sailor Moon shirt he’s currently wearing, and the Shovel Knight amiibo. In a way they’re all clues, because each item belongs to Arin or is related to Arin in some way, but apart from that link, Dan has no idea how they help him at all. How does an energy drink, a shirt, and a game figurine help him to escape this universe and return to his?

He sighs quietly, almost turning his face into Suzy’s chest as a way to hide his face. He resists doing so and instead replies with, “I’ve found three so far. I’m not sure how they’re related or how they’ll help me though. Although they’re all things of his, they’re not exactly concrete clues that’ll lead me back to him.”

Suzy hums above him and the sound vibrates beneath Dan’s ear. Her fingers twirl one of his curls absently and she’s silent while she thinks. Dan only continues to hold her tightly, waiting for her suggestion as to what to do next. He knows she’s probably formulating a plan to help him get back to Arin and the hollow feeling in his chest begins to subside at the thought.

“Maybe,” she says, the word hushed as though she’s speaking to herself at first, “maybe, you could go somewhere he’d go. Where’s somewhere he would go to hide?”

Dan thinks about his answer for a moment. He doesn’t really know places Arin would hide because Arin isn’t the type of person to want or need to hide. Even if something happened that would cause Arin to want to shut himself off from his friends and hide himself away for a while, he’d do it somewhere close, like his house or the Grump office. If Dan really thinks about it, Arin wouldn’t really hide himself away at all and the thought leaves Dan lost on how to answer Suzy’s question.

“I’m not sure,” he settles on, the words murmured quietly. He hopes she hears him and since she doesn’t ask for him to repeat himself, he assumes she does.

He tries to think of places Arin might go if he were to disappear for a while, his mind searching through memories trying to find a location that could be a possibility. For the most part his mind turns up blank and his brow furrows with frustration while he thinks. It’s only when he allows his thoughts to calm and disperse that the answer comes to him as something simple, but as real a possibility as anything.

“Maybe he’s at his parents’ house,” Dan says, words sounding unsure as he says them. For some reason the suggestion sounds silly and yet it’s the only place Dan can think of where Arin would be. Perhaps, he thinks, there’s a possibility that Arin does exist in this world and the only reason Dan hasn’t found him yet is because he lives in the same place he grew up in. Maybe if he visits Arin’s parent’s house, Dan will find him there or close by.

Suzy hums above him in response to his suggestion. She continues to twirl his curls around her fingers absentmindedly, the sensation calming and soothing to Dan’s frail and shot nerves.

“It’s a start,” she says.


	12. XII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that ending though
> 
> Word count: 3,020

Dan packs his things in the dead of night. After talking with Suzy for a while longer and planning what he’s going to do next, he eventually left her house, hugging her close to him when they said goodbye. She had touched his cheek with her hand, fingerings brushing lightly against the skin of his cheek. Her touch had lingered long enough that the feeling had made him want to close his eyes and lean into her comforting touch. He had resisted though and only given her a grateful smile in response, his hand coming up to cover hers briefly before they both let go.

Now, as the blanket of night shrouds him in shadows, Dan makes his way into his home as quietly as he can manage. Every movement he makes is careful and precise, with any sound made feeling as though it’s louder and echo’s throughout the house. Logically, Dan knows this isn’t the case, but still he treads carefully down the corridor until he manages to reach his room and shut his bedroom door behind him.

He doesn’t pay much attention to what he’s packing, just grabs for a bag and begins filling it with clothes and other essential items. He’ll have to grab his toothbrush on the way out, not wanting to risk running into the bathroom now to grab it in case he wakes Barry up where he’s sleeping in his room close by.

It doesn’t take him long to pack his bag, and the sound of the zipper as he zips the bag closed is almost deafening in how loud it sounds in the otherwise silent room. Dan holds his breath, waiting to hear movement beyond his bedroom door. When he doesn’t hear anything, he lets go of his held breath and grabs his bag so he can make his way out of his room.

After grabbing his toothbrush from the bathroom, trying to be as quiet as possible as he does so, Dan makes his way over to the front door and drops his bag to the ground just in front of it. He’s almost ready to go; all he needs now is to find the keys to Barry’s car and he’ll be gone.

He searches the usual places first; the jackets on the coat rack by the front door, the coffee table in their living room, the island kitchen counter. Dan almost worries that the keys are with Barry in his room when he sees them atop the fridge. It strikes him as bizarre that they’re there but he doesn’t bother to dwell on the matter and grabs for them, trying to reduce the sound of them jingling together as he does so.

A pang of guilt echoes throughout him as he makes his way back over to the front door. He knows that leaving like this is almost cowardly, but he can’t bring himself to care; he’s so tired of everything lately that he just wants to get away from it all. He still has to search for a way to get back to his universe, to Arin and Suzy and the rest of the Grumps, but he can’t try and do it here anymore. He’s running out of time and running thin on clues on how to get himself back home. He just hopes that maybe leaving for a few days will help him somehow.

Giving the apartment one final overall glance, Dan locks the door behind him and piles him and his things into Barry’s car. The darkness of night still shrouds his movements as he starts up the car and backs out of the driveway, the streets eerily empty and silent.

Reaching forward, he turns on the radio and keeps it on a low volume, flicking through the stations swiftly until he lands on a station he likes, a familiar tune playing through the car speakers. He settles back in the driver’s seat and lets his shoulders relax.

He’s got a long drive ahead of him; he might as well get comfortable.

-

The sun has already begun to rise by the time Dan gets close to his destination. He watches as the large ball of light makes its way up into the sky, turning the clouds various shades of pink, yellow, and orange as it goes. Eventually the sun settles itself high above him, the sky a pale blue and the clouds a brilliant white. He hopes the good weather is a sign that he’s heading in the right direction, that he’s closer to finding Arin. It’s a stupid way to think, hoping the weather is a sign of good fortune, but he’s already stuck in an alternate reality without his best friend; he’s willing to hope and believe in anything if it means getting Arin back.

Dan drives a while longer, his fingers cramping from holding the steering wheel for so long and eyes drooping from exhaustion. He hasn’t kept count of how long he’s been on the road for but he knows he hasn’t slept in what feels like an entire day. He’s sure it’s less than twenty-four hours, but it feels like it, and he yawns tiredly, eyes squinting shut as he does so. He knows he’ll need to pull over soon, not only to stretch his legs and to get some rest, but to top up on gas. The meter on the board isn’t low but with how much road he has left to travel, it would be better to fill up before he hits the road again.

He has to drive a little further before he happens upon a gas station and motel. By this point it’s midday and Dan’s eyes can barely stay open; he feels rough and tired as he parks the car by a pump and drags himself out of the driver’s seat, his legs almost buckling beneath him the moment his feet hit the pavement. He steadies himself against the car and allows himself to quickly stretch, his body tall and taunt as his arms rise above his head and stretch upwards.

Making quick work of filling the car full of petrol, he finishes up and goes into the adjacent store to pay for the petrol and to gather together some food and drink. He grabs a few bottles of water, some sandwiches, a packet or two of crisps, and heads over to the counter to pay for it all, grabbing a chocolate bar and a packet of chewing gum along the way. As the bored looking cashier rings up his items, Dan asks where he can book a room in the motel and the cashier barely responds as they look at something beneath the counter and then pick up a key with a wooden plank attached to it. Engraved into the plank of wood is a number and Dan takes the key from the cashier as they hand it over to him.

“How many nights?” the cashier asks, voice monotone while they ring up the remaining items.

“Just tonight,” Dan answers, reaching for his wallet that’s stuffed into his jeans pocket. The cashier nods and scribbles something down in a book beneath the desk, which Dan assumes is the same book they had been looking at previously, before they tally his items cost and waits for Dan to hand them the money. By the amount displayed on the small register screen, Dan can only assume that his room booking has been added to the cost.

The cashier doesn’t bid Dan a goodbye as he leaves, and Dan doesn’t pay them the courtesy either. He grabs his things and heads back over to the car so he can move it into the nearby parking lot, throwing the bag of recently brought snacks into the passenger side seat. He drives the car into the parking lot and parks his car as close to his room number as he can before he gathers up all his things and drags them into his room for the night.

It feels strange to be in a motel room in the middle of the day, ready and waiting to pass out from exhaustion, but Dan doesn’t pay the unfamiliar feeling too much attention as he closes his room door behind him. He sets his things down on the nearest available surface, checks to ensure the room is locked and goes over to close the rooms curtains. As he toes his trainers off, he thinks about taking a shower before he lets himself pass out, but he’s fallen onto the creaky bed and is out like a light before he can even think of a response to his own pondering.

-

By the time he hits the road again it’s dark and the roads are practically uninhabited. Dan had posted his room key through the store letterbox and had gone on his way the moment after he had woken up, showered, and gotten dressed again. He didn’t want to waste any more time but he was grateful that he had managed to spare a moment to rest and wash himself. He had felt the grime of the previous day slip off him and down the drain, and his eyes no longer protested to being open.

Dan thought about a lot of things as he continued his journey; he thought about the possibility of Arin existing in this world, of finding him at his parents’ house. He thought about the possibility of him not existing in this world, which was a more likely prospect than Arin suddenly existing. Dan wondered if Arin would react how Suzy had after meeting Dan; if he would feel a pang of _something,_ something familiar, and would talk to him, would help him. Maybe a part of him would recognize Dan or maybe meeting Arin in this world was Dan’s ticket to returning home.

Maybe, just like Dan, Arin had woken in this strange world and didn’t know that Dan existed here either. Maybe he was trying to find Dan as well, searching frantically and trying to understand what was happening. It was a small possibility, but it was a possibility none the less and Dan clings to the idea like a drowning man clings to a life raft.

It’s late afternoon when he makes it to his destination. Arin’s childhood home is a large farm house surrounded by acres of land and woodland and the only way to reach it from the main road is to drive down the worn in dirt road that appears at the side of the main road between the trees. If Dan didn’t know what he was looking for, he was sure he would have missed it and driven right by it without realising.

The gravelled dirt crunched beneath his wheels as Dan drove down the path, a straight dirt road that led him through towering trees that practically touched the sky. He had to drive slowly, his car practically crawling along the trail, and anticipation ate away at him; what if Arin wasn’t there? What if he was? What would Dan do? How would Arin react to seeing him? Would he recognize him? Would he not?

Dan tried not to allow himself to become bogged down by the questions swirling around in his mind. He was already anxious about what could possibly happen when he reached the house, he didn’t need to fill his own head with unanswerable questions. He would just have to deal with whatever he was presented with when he got them.

The dirt trail when on for a while longer but eventually Dan came to T-section in the road. In front of him the path continued towards a large barn, a tractor sat outside it, and to his left the path veered off and continued towards the actual house. To Dan’s left was a fence that he hadn’t noticed before and beyond that was an endless field, crops growing in some of the fields in the distance.

He felt strange being here; Arin had only brought him here once or twice before along with the rest of the Grumps. It wasn’t a common occurrence for them to all come down and see Arin’s parents, the same way it wasn’t a common thing for everyone to meet everyone’s else’s parents. It had happened once or twice but it wasn’t something that usually happened.

If he were honest with himself, he felt as though he were intruding by being here. He hadn’t even begun to drive down the pathway towards the house yet, had simply frozen at the juncture, but he felt as though he shouldn’t be there. A part of him almost contemplated turning back, leaving here and returning to Barry and everyone else, but he knew he couldn’t do that. He had come all this way; there was no way that he could just leave without even checking to see if Arin was here.

Taking a deep breath to calm himself, Dan began driving down the path leading towards the house. He felt nervous about doing so but he kept going until he was close enough to park the car and climb out. His legs felt as though they were shaking beneath him but he ignored them and straightened himself up to his full height and squared his shoulders, trying to appear as though he had himself under control.

There was nothing to give away Arin’s presence as Dan looked at his surroundings; he isn’t sure what he would see that would be an indication or give away to Arin’s presence, but if there was something, he couldn’t see it. The front garden was just an average looking front garden, with mowed short grass and the dirt path leading up to the front porch steps.

He climbed the steps warily, nerves eating away at him. He felt so close to gaining some answers but a part of him was scared to know the truth. Was Arin really here? What if he wasn’t?

Dan debated on whether or not to knock on the front door. He couldn’t see a bell and there wasn’t a door knocker either. If he knocked hard enough hopefully someone would hear him, but even as he raised his fist to knock he hesitated before bringing it down against the old wood.

Dried paint flecks drifted down from the door the moment his fist hit the wooden surface. He continued to knock, three times in total, before lowering his hand down to his side, trying to resist the temptation to shove his hands into his jacket pockets, a nervous habit of his.

Would Arin answer the door? Dan couldn’t hear anything on the other side and he tried not to lean back and peek through any of the nearby windows. He didn’t want to look like some nosey prick on their front door step.

Would Arin recognize him? Dan didn’t know.

What if Arin wasn’t here? Dan didn’t know what to think if that was the case.

He was sure he could hear the creaking of floorboards coming closer to the front door. Was it Arin?

It was becoming more difficult to breathe; Dan was almost sure that he was on the verge of having a panic attack but he tried to suppress the rising panic clawing its way through his chest and up his throat. He closed his eyes and tried to count his breathing until it began to slow down, his thoughts a jumbled mess that he tried to wade through and clear.

He could hear someone on the other side of the door; could it be...?

The front door swung open as Dan opened his eyes and he felt a moment of disappointment strike him through his chest upon seeing someone other than Arin. His disappointment almost blindsided him, his lips pulling down into a frown before he realized standing before him was Arin’s mother.

Trying to smooth his expression into something neutral, he studied Maurette’s expression; she seemed friendly and open enough, although her brow was beginning to knit with confusion at Dan’s presence. She still held the doorknob in her grasp, ready to close it in his face if need be, he assumed.

“Um,” he begins, not knowing what to say. His fingers twitched by his sides, unsure of what to do with himself and wanting to make himself small, to hide himself. He was here and he didn’t know what to do.

Giving in and shoving his hands into his jacket pockets, he cleared his throat and tried again, “Um, is- is Arin Hanson here?”

Her face falls the moment he mentions Arin’s name. He isn’t sure what to make of it because the next thing he knows she’s going to shut the door in his face, and he barely manages to shove himself between the door and its frame to keep it open.

“Wait!” he tries again, foot, hand, and shoulder wedged between the doorframe to try and keep the door open, “I don’t understand- is Arin here-?”

She pulls back the door and shoves him away from her house. Although she appears upset, Dan can clearly see the anger reddening her cheeks and hardening her jaw. He doesn’t know why; he feels so lost and confused and that feeling of being an intruder gnaws away at him again.

“No, Arin isn’t here,” she says, voice hard like he hasn’t heard it before. On any other occasion that he’s spoken to her she’s been kind, voice gentle and smooth. He can see that he’s upset her but he doesn’t know what he’s said to make her so angry and distressed.

There’s a moment’s pause before Dan tries again, “I don’t understand; is he close by?”

She glares at him, voice as hard as her eyes as she replies. The moment the words leave her lips Dan feels the crushing weight of too many unexplainable emotions crashing down upon him and rendering him unable to speak, move, to do anything as her words settle in.

“Yes,” she says, door already beginning to close, “You’ll find him buried in the local cemetery.”


	13. XIII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **[CHAPTER WARNINGS]** this chapter mentions Dan discovering Arin's grave and finding out he was a stillborn, which is the reason he doesn't exist in this universe. if this content makes you uncomfortable then please skip ahead to the - that separates the first and second half of this chapter. beyond the - it mentions once or twice that Arin is dead but not in as great length as the first half.
> 
> Word count: 3,031

Stumbling away from the front door, Dan races to his car and quickly exits the property, dust and gravel upturning into the air behind him as he drives away. He feels frantic and on the verge of having a panic attack; perhaps he already is. His breaths are coming in short bursts as though he’s a drowning man hardly breaching the water for air before he’s back under the surface.

The rational part of his brain that’s still trying to cling on is telling him that he needs to pull the car over and let himself calm down. The other side of his brain, the part that’s currently in control, is steeped in panic and is telling him to drive to the cemetery and search through it until he finds Arin’s grave.

His frantic mind wins out against his logical side; he drives, probably going over the speed limit, until he arrives at the gates of the cemetery that’s not too far from Arin’s childhood home. Dan drives the car up the small path until he can park it off the road and then flings open the door and runs, barely managing to slam the door closed behind him before he’s pushing through the large iron gates and stepping into the peaceful landscape beyond.

It isn’t a very large cemetery, with two interconnecting pathways taking you around the perimeter of the place and only once dipping between the headstones to separate the old from the new. Flowers bloom in patches across the landscape and there are two handfuls of daffodils seated each side of the lone bench that sits at the top of the path.

Dan searches the cemetery looking for Arin’s headstone, panic fuelled adrenaline coursing through him and spurring him on. Although the cemetery isn’t very large it still takes him time to move from one gravestone to another in search of his name, and although deep down he doesn’t want to find the gravestone at all, knowing that seeing it will make it real, he knows he has to find it all the same.

Time wears on and Dan has searched through the entirety of the cemetery twice, going back over gravestones in search of his friend’s name. There are headstones that have been here longer than he and some that are recently placed, and still he can’t find Arin’s name on any of them; it makes him wonder if he’s come to the wrong graveyard and the thought causes him to stumble over to the lone bench and fall down upon it, defeat weighing heavy on his shoulders.

Dan drops his head into his hands and tries to collect his breath, attempting to regain some control over it. By the shakiness of his hands and the way his lungs burn, it feels as though he’s been dealing with a panic attack for the last hour or so that he’s been searching the cemetery, which although he knows isn’t true, feels real. He closes his eyes and takes deep, shuddering breaths, trying to remember what it felt like to breathe.

After a while he regains his composure but he continues to sit in his position, head in his hands and practically folded in two at the waist. He’s bent over himself as though he’s about to put his head between his knees and a part of him considers it, wondering if it would help further calm him down. He knows it probably wouldn’t though and would only result in making him appear silly, so he sits up and looks out over the graveyard that’s laid out before him.

It’s then that he notices it; tucked away by an alcove of trees is another cemetery, smaller, with gravestones depicting cherubs and animals like butterflies and birds. For a moment Dan doesn’t fully realise what he’s looking at until it clicks in his mind that it’s a children’s cemetery, separated from the main body of the graveyard by the thick patch of trees.

Standing up from the bench, Dan cautiously makes his way towards the trees and steps past them, following the path through them that he hadn’t noticed before when he had initially come running into the cemetery. Now that’s he’s calmed down and is paying more attention, he’s surprised that he hadn’t fully noticed it before; although the cemetery is littered with trees, these ones are lined up like a wall, separating the main body of the graveyard from this newfound section. The trees span across the landscape, beginning at the tall bushes that separate the cemetery from the road and ending at the thick lining of trees that lead into woodland at the far end of the field, beyond the cemetery limits.

He supposes that separating the cemetery like this makes it easier to find lost loved ones and creates a sense of privacy while grieving. Losing a loved one is never easy, but losing a child is harder still; at least those who died old, or young, were able to experience life before passing. Children who passed barely had time to live before they left.

Dan isn’t entirely sure why he wanders through the children’s cemetery; he doesn’t expect to find Arin buried here and yet a part of him urges him onwards, forces him to continue to walk amongst the small headstones and read each child’s name, noting down each short time span that is their birth and death. A part of him wants to reach out and trace his fingers across the engravings but he resists the temptation, stuffing his hands into his jacket pockets to keep them from straying.

He takes his time wandering through the cemetery, but he eventually stops before a headstone, one with vines crawling along its back and flowers planted around its roots. It’s beneath one of the trees, shaded from the days fading sunlight, and Dan kneels down before it to read the words engraved into the old stone.

_Arin Joseph Hanson_

_Born sleeping_

_January 6th 1987_

_We love you to the moon and back_

Beneath the last line is a small crescent moon, three stars decorating it on each side. Dan traces his finger along the moons curve and tries his best not to cry.

A stillborn. In the end, the reason no one knew who Arin was, why he wouldn’t show up in Dan’s Google searches, was because Arin didn’t exist in this universe. He had never existed to begin with, because he never got the chance to. He had died before he could live and his chance at existence, at living, was gone before he was even brought into this world.

Dan doesn’t bother holding back his tears now; he had clung onto the hope that Arin was alive, that somewhere in this reality he existed and that if he only collected all the clues they would lead him back to Arin.

As he traces his fingers across the headstone, fingertips brushing along the engravings of his friends name, Dan realises that, in the end, everything he has done to find Arin has been for nothing.

-

Dan returns home later the following day, driving through the evening and throughout the night while only bothering to stop once by parking his car beside the road and taking a quick nap to recharge. He eats the various foods he brought from the gas station from the other day to keep him going as he drives, and all the while he’s numb. The realisation that in this universe his friend is dead, born sleeping twenty nine years ago, hasn’t fully sunken in yet as something factual, but is news that has numbed his tired nerves and made his body heavy with the knowledge that everything he has done thus far has been for nought.

It makes him wonder why he should bother searching, makes him question everything he has tried to do thus far. The road stretches out empty before him, shrouded in the thick darkness of night, and it reminds him of his own path now; empty, dark, unsure of where he has to go next. He doesn’t know how he’s going to continue when everything he had been fighting for is gone.

Shaking his head, Dan tries to clear the sleep deprived thoughts from his mind. Just because Arin doesn’t exist in this world doesn’t mean that he doesn’t still exist in Dan’s. Just because Dan can’t have him in this universe doesn’t mean he should give up looking for ways to return to his reality to see Arin again.

The thought keeps him going until he’s driving on familiar territory again, the cities lights a warm and welcoming embrace from the darkness of the country roads. Although it’s well into the early hours of the morning, Dan can still see people scattered across the streets, laughing and joking, enjoying the last few buzzes of a night out. Others are tired and wary, shoulders slack and earphone wires hidden beneath their coats and hoodies as they make their way home.

Dan sympathises with them and thinks of returning home himself, but the thought of returning to his and Barry’s apartment almost makes him hit the brakes right there in the middle of the road. He doesn’t, but the thought makes him pause, wondering on where he should go. Returning home means facing his friends and seeing their disappointed faces, and probably facing their anger as well. He knows he deserves their anger now, since he did steal Barry’s car and go missing for a few days, but he doesn’t want to face their wraths at this very moment. He knows they wouldn’t understand if he told them that he just found out that his best friend of however many years is dead and has been since their birth; they’d all think he was insane and right now he can’t handle that.

He drives for a while longer, just circling round the city as he wonders where to go. He doesn’t want to return home but he also doesn’t want to spend the night in a hotel, and he knows he can’t simply pull the car over and sleep for a while in the city like he did on his way home. He needs somewhere to go and if he doesn’t hurry up the sun will be breaking through the morning sky before he’s had a chance to rest.

In the end Dan knows where to go; his only worry is that he’s going to wake her and that she may not allow him in, but he drives towards Suzy’s house all the same, hoping that she’ll take him in. When he pulls up outside, he has a moment to look up at the building before him and debate whether or not to go up to the front door and give it a knock.

Sighing to himself, he parks the car and climbs out. His limbs feel stiff and sore as he makes his way up to the front door, and he tries to stretch himself out, hearing his weary bones crack in various places as he does so. He’d like to think it’s just from being cramped in the car for the best part of a day but he knows it’s also partly to do with his age and it makes him frown thinking about it.

Knocking on the door he hopes she’ll answer and let him in. He knows he must be bothering her; it’s still dark outside, the stars barely illuminating the darkness of the early hours. He must look insane, knocking on her door at this time but still he knocks again, hoping she’ll answer.

A smile crosses his face when the door swings open slowly, Suzy’s form appearing in the doorway. She’s got a fluffy dressing gown wrapped around her and she yawns as she says his name, obviously confused. Sleep still clings to her eyes and she rubs at them, blinking up at Dan in puzzlement as his smile falters and begins to wobble.

“Dan?” she questions again, gazing up at him with clearer eyes. It’s dark outside and she hasn’t turned on any lights within the house, had barely been awake enough to put slippers on her feet before she made her way to the front door, but Suzy notices the glisten in Dan’s eyes and the way a teardrop falls and lands on her wooden floor.

“Hey Suzy,” he says quietly and she hears the crack in his voice as he says her name. He’s barely holding himself together and his smile is still there but it’s wavering, his bottom lip quivering as he tries to stop himself from falling apart.

She’s startled but tries not to show it and simply reaches forward to drag him into her home and into her arms. She’s just able to shut the door behind them before his long arms are wrapping around her and clinging to her, his tall frame slumping against hers in defeat. A broken sob escapes him and her brow creases in concern, worry etched across her features while her own arms come up to wrap around him and support his weight against her.

“Dan?” she asks, confused, worried, “Dan, what’s wrong, what’s happened?”

He doesn’t answer and her lips turn downwards into a frown. His shoulders shake beneath her hands and she sighs, reaching up to stroke at his mangle of curls.

“Oh Dan...” she murmurs and gently pushes him away so she can lead them towards her living room, just as she did days ago. Tears stain his cheeks and she takes his hand to lead him to her living room, the house quiet and dark around them.

Suzy doesn’t bother to turn on any of the lights and simply lies back against the sofa, pulling Dan along with her so that he’s lying beside her, cramped on the sofa. His back is against the sofa’s and his head rests against her chest, her heartbeat a soft thundering beneath his ear and a reminder that she’s here beside him. She shifts beneath him until she’s comfortable and then her fingers are in his hair, twirling the curls around her digits idly as a way to distract and comfort him.

Dan clings to her, arms wrapping around her waist and face half buried in her chest. He hasn’t stopped crying; a steady stream of tears make their way down his cheeks and he sniffs, feeling weak, feeling fragile, like a cracked vase glued together but ready to fall apart with the slightest push. He hates himself for it, hates imposing himself on Suzy, but he can’t stop and so he continues to cry, clinging to her like a lifeline, as if letting go will allow him to slip away into nothing.

It’s silent for the longest time, the air only punctuated by his quiet sobs, before she speaks, her voice soft and gentle as she says, “Did you not find him?”

Dan shakes his head and tries to hold back another sob. He can’t tell her about how he found his friend’s grave buried in the cemetery close to his childhood home. It would seem crazy to talk about his friend as someone he has known for years, only to then tell Suzy that Arin never existed in this world, never got the chance to. It’s barely news he can digest himself and he knows he would only seem insane telling it to her.

She’s quiet above him, thinking, allowing him to grieve. When he eventually calms himself down, his sobs becoming quiet hiccups and sniffles, his eyes mostly dry of tears, she speaks quietly above him, not wishing to spook him.

“Dan?” she whispers, voice soft. He hums in response and it resonates through her chest. She curls his hair around her finger and then gently scratches his scalp, her eyes drifting shut against her will; she’s still tired and she yawns as she speaks.

“Will you tell me about Arin?”

Dan feels himself freeze against her, surprised at her question. He forces himself to relax and then wonders what to say, where to begin; he doesn’t know what to tell her about him, doesn’t know where to begin or how much he should say. Obviously in his universe she would know everything about Arin, wouldn’t have to ask Dan to talk about him, but in this universe Arin’s a stranger, someone unknown.

And yet she wants to know about him.

Dan sighs, relaxing against her again. She’s quiet and patient above him, waiting for him to speak, and eventually he does, finally deciding where to begin.

“He’s my best friend. Has been for a few years now and it- it’s been the best,” he smiles fondly, eyes drifting shut as he speaks, “He’s made me so happy.”

Suzy hums and he feels it vibrate beneath his ear. He keeps talking, telling her about the jokes Arin makes with him, tells her about his strange quirks, like how he prefers being barefooted, and he tells her about how the nights Dan and Arin spent sleep deprived and playing video games together make him so stupidly happy. He talks about how much of an amazing artist and animator is, gushes about his skills in rapping and how creative he is with everything he does.

Dan talks and talks about Arin until his voice is drowsy, words slurring together as he grows tired. He’s unsure but he feels Suzy may be asleep above him, her eyes closed and her lips parted as she breaths deeply, softly, breath rushing out to tickle the top of his head. He doesn’t mind; he’s so tired and his throat is practically hoarse from talking so long but he feels lighter somehow, as though talking about Arin to someone relieved him of a heavy weight that clung to his chest.

He yawns, tiredness making him feel heavy and light all at once. His words trail off and before he knows it he’s asleep, unconsciousness drawing him under like a familiar and comforting blanket.

He’ll find Arin in the morning, he thinks. He’ll find a way to get back to Arin in the morning.


	14. XIV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was up until half past three in the morning writing this and I still didn't finish it. eh well. we're reaching this fics end so enjoy it while it lasts.
> 
> Word count: 3,724

By the time he wakes a few hours later, the pale light of the rising sun is filtering through the curtains and casting the living room in a soft glow. Dust particles flitter through the air where the light strikes them and he watches them dance through the air as he allows himself to slowly come into consciousness. Beneath his ear he can feel Suzy’s chest rise and fall deeply, her breath still ghosting across the top of his head as she continues to sleep. The tear stains that were on her pyjama shirt have cleared, leaving behind no trace of Dan’s breakdown from mere hours ago.

He lays there for a while, taking in the scene around him and listening to the sound of Suzy’s heartbeat and even breaths that echo beneath his ear. He feels safe here, with Suzy, and although he doesn’t want to leave he knows he has to. He can’t stay here, hiding away from this reality and hoping that somehow everything will fix itself. Dan knows he has to go out and find another way to get back to Arin; just because he doesn’t exist in this world at all doesn’t mean there isn’t a way to return to his Arin in his universe.

Being as quiet as he can manage and moving slowly and carefully, Dan manages to lift himself from Suzy and the sofa to stand beside it. He gazes down at her, taking in her pale skin and soft, parted lips. Her dark hair is spread out around her head, framing her face like a wispy halo with a sliver of blonde amongst the black locks.

He can’t help but smile fondly, adoringly, at her; the entire scene would seem like something out of a romance film if it weren’t for the small line of drool leaking from the side of her parted lips and landing on the pillow beneath her. Dan wants to laugh at the sight but he doesn’t and instead bends down to press a kiss against her forehead, his index finger reaching round to wipe away the drool. She stirs only slightly at the touch, head turning towards him and mouth closing, her body resettling into a more comfortable position.

Dan feels rude leaving, even though he knows he has to go. He searches around the living room for a pen and some paper and luckily finds some hidden in some drawers. He writes her a quick note to say thank you and that he’ll call her later, which he realises sounds like what a douchebag would say after sleeping with a woman so he quickly writes down that that’s what he thinks his note sounds like and hopes that extra comment will make her smile. Once he’s done, he leaves the note on the coffee table by the sofa and heads out the door.

Once he’s in the car and on the road, he doesn’t know where to go. He knows he wouldn’t have wanted to be there when Suzy woke up, knows he should be looking for ways to find Arin. He still feels lost as to what to do and for a moment he considers going home to his and Barry’s apartment but he knows he can’t. He doesn’t want to face them still, even though he knows he has to at some point, and soon. He doesn’t want to be filed as a criminal for stealing Barry’s car.

He drives around the empty streets for a while, admiring the morning light that filters through the streets and shines off building windows. There are a few people up, a jogger here and there, a business person or two. It’s still early and everything smells fresh and everything feels quiet, isolated. The feeling sooths Dan’s nerves as he drives.

Eventually he finds himself parking in front of the Grump office. He stares up at the building, unsure of whether or not he should go in, but considering he has nowhere else to go Dan sighs to himself and climbs out of the car.

It feels strange being at the office so early when no one else is around; he knows no one will be in for a while so he knows the entire office space will be empty and he lets himself in. The silence that accompanies his arrival only proves his theory that no one else would be at the office so early in the morning and he steps inside, the door shutting with an audible _click_ behind him.

It feels like years since he’s been here, although he knows it’s only been a few days. He supposes the reason it feels like it’s been ages since he’s been at the Grump office is because it _has_ been ages since he was at the Grump office. Dan’s been living in this alternate reality for a few weeks now and as he looks around the office space, he can hardly visualise what the actual Grump space looks like.

He knows there are decorations of fanart in the kitchen but he can’t remember what they look like against the wall or plastered against the fridge. He can barely remember what the figures and the game cases on the shelves that would line the wall look like, and it takes him longer than he would like to even recall the arrangement of the desks. The office in this reality is vastly different from his own and it unsettles him, but if nothing else it upsets him even more so that he can barely remember what the Grump space looks like in his universe.  

Sighing to himself, Dan buries his hands in his jacket pockets and looks around the area again, taking it all in. In a way, he feels he should be happy that his band is taking off in this universe, that they’ve reached a level that he and his friends can work together in this space and have all of this amazing equipment to work with. But without Game Grumps, without Suzy, without _Arin_ , none of it really seems worth it.

He hasn’t got much time; Dan’s wasting time just standing around and he knows that Barry and the rest of them will make their way into work soon. He doesn’t want them coming into the office and seeing him standing in the middle of the room, gaze unfocused as he tries to remember what the actual Grump space looks like.

Sighing again, he turns to leave but something catches his eye. Turning again, Dan notices the door that leads into the recording studio, the room he and Arin play games in when recording for Game Grumps. He’s surprised at himself that he hasn’t thought to go into the room before and he finds himself crossing the room in quick strides, brow furrowed as curiosity pushes him forward.

Why hasn’t he checked this room before? He thinks back to opportunities that he could have checked this room as he reaches for the handle, but he knows that in the time that he’s been in this universe, the majority of his time has been spent avoiding the office rather than going to it. From what he can recall he’s sure he’s only been in the studio three times other than now, and it had never really occurred to him to try checking in the room he and Arin spend a good portion of their time for clues as to how to get back to his reality, to Arin. Dan feels like mentally berating himself for not thinking of checking here but instead he pushes open the door and steps inside.

The room is virtually the same, aside from the lack of a TV, game consoles, and the shelves containing a good portion of games. The large sofa is still situated in the centre of the room and microphones hooked up onto stands are scattered around it, with a sound board pocketed in the corner of the room. Every microphone wire leads to the sound board and Dan wonders if this is where interviews are conducted or whether it’s just a more relaxed way to record songs.

He isn’t sure he particularly cares; just like with the rest of the office, the room seems almost bare without the usual equipment such as the game consoles and their controllers, as well as all the game cases that are usually strewn around the room. If nothing else it just feels as though the Game Grumps have moved out of the office without letting Dan know, and he’s unknowingly stepped into the new owner’s studio space.

It feels alien to him; although the space itself is familiar, the way everything is set up and the equipment and furniture that is here isn’t the same at all. Nothing is the same as what he’s used to and it only helps to solidify the fact that Dan still hasn’t found a way out of this universe and back to his own.

Dan steps further into the room and allows the door to shut softly behind him. It feels strange being in this space that he so often shares with Arin, a place so familiar and yet so foreign to him all at once. He feels like Arin should be sat on the sofa yelling profanities at the telly while he plays another game but he isn’t and Dan frowns as he tries the picture it. For some reason it’s difficult to imagine the scene in his mind and it only causes him to grow frustrated with himself and his memory; why is he forgetting everything?

Perhaps being in this universe for so long is causing him to forget his actual reality. Although he’s only been here for almost three weeks, he knows that that is still a long time to go without being in his reality. He’s been in this one for so long that it’s erasing his memories of the office, of his friends, replacing them with the image of this office space and the friends he has in this world.

The thought only causes him to feel sick and he finds himself sitting down on the sofa, his hands coming up to hold his head. Forgetting his reality means forgetting Arin and that’s not something he can handle. At least in this universe he still has Barry, Brian, Ross, and Suzy, so it’s not like he can forget their faces because they’re identical to themselves in his reality, but in this world Arin is dead. There’s no doppelganger of Arin for Dan to see and talk to, and it’s only now that he’s beginning to feel like he can barely remember what Arin looks like. He can hardly remember what his skin feels like against Dan’s fingertips, or what tshirt he was wearing last time Dan saw him. He feels like he should at least remember what Arin’s voice sounds like by the visions he’s had of him, but he can barely remember its tone.

It’s like Arin’s fading from his memory and there’s nothing that Dan can do to prevent it.

His breathing is coming in shallow gulps that he can barely grasp and he sits back, trying to starve off the growing panic that claws at his chest and tries to crush his throat. His hands shake with a slight tremor and he knows that he’s in the early stages of having a panic attack, something that he doesn’t particularly want or need at the current moment. He closes his eyes instead and tries to focus on his breathing, telling himself to breathe in slowly for a few moments before he releases the held breath and starts again.

It isn’t easy but eventually Dan manages to calm himself down to a state where he can breathe more easily, the panic in his chest subsiding. He’s still upset at his fading memory of his friend but he tries to push past it and think of what he can do to get himself back in his universe so he doesn’t have to worry about forgetting his friends face.

Although Dan wants to be optimistic and try to think of a new plan to get him back home, he’s turning up blank. He doesn’t know what to do or where to look to find clues or a way to get him home, and he feels as though he’s exerted all his options. There’s nothing left for him to try.

Rubbing a hand over his face and sighing to himself again, he readjusts himself where he’s sitting on the sofa, only to feel something jab against his lower back. He grunts in agitation and sits up so he can turn and reach behind himself to feel for whatever it was that poked him.

At first he can’t feel anything and wonders if he had just imagined the feeling, but then his fingers scrape across the edge of something plastic protruding from beneath the sofa cushion. He pinches it with his fingers and pulls at it, feeling confusion furrow his brow as he does so, until a game case emerges from between the sofa cushions and rests in his hand.

_How bizarre_ , he thinks to himself meekly, turning the case over in his hand to get a look at the front. He feels his heart freeze in his chest when he does, the title of the game rendering him breathless as he reads it.

_The Legend of Zelda: A Link Between Worlds_

He could laugh at the irony of it; it’s the last game he and Arin played before Dan woke up in this alternate reality, and of _course_ it had to be a game with a title talking about two worlds.

It hits him then, the idea making him feel lightheaded as he wonders if his theory could possibly be right. What if the game is the _link_ between this world and his?

Dan stands up so quickly that he feels lightheaded all over again, but he doesn’t bother to stop as he hastily makes his way out of the recording room, across the office space, and out the front door. There isn’t a game console in the office anymore but he knows there’s one at his and Barry’s place so he throws himself into the car and drives home as fast as he can.

He doesn’t know what to expect when he gets home. He worries that Barry will be there to question him or that Brian and Ross will be there too. He worries they’ll get in his way and he won’t be able to try out his theory that the game is the link between this world and his; the thought makes his grip on the steering wheel tighten until his knuckles turn white and he knows he won’t let them stand in his way, no matter what happens.

He drives through the streets almost blindly, attention focused on simply getting him home. There’s a moment or two that he hears the blaring of a cars horn as he speeds through a red light or two but he doesn’t let himself become distracted by any of it and simply continues to drive until he eventually arrives outside his house.

Dan’s barely parked the car and turned off the engine before he’s out of the car and running up the steps to his apartment. He takes the stairs two at a time and after a few attempts at slotting his keys into the front doors lock, his hands shaking as he does so, he manages to fling open the door and make his way into the house.

His loud entrance startles Barry, who is in the kitchen when Dan makes his way through the doorway that leads into the living room. Barry looks shocked to see him and looks as though he’s about to drop the mug of tea held between his hands; his eyes are as round as saucers as he watches Dan hastily make his way over to the TV. Their game console rests beneath it on the shelf of the TV stand and Dan turns it on with shaking hands, the game case held in one hand as he picks up one of the game controllers with the other.

“Dan? Dan, what the fuck, wh-? Dude, where have you been, what the fuck are you _doing_?”

Dan can hear Barry talking to him from behind him but he doesn’t pay him any attention. He focuses on the game, cracking the case open with eager fingers. The disc is waiting for him, nestled within the case, and he picks it up with clumsy fingers that manage not to drop the disc as he reaches over to place it in the game console.

“Fuck- Ross? Yeah, no, are you and Brian on your way? Okay, good, fuck- Dan’s back, he’s- Ross I don’t know what he’s doing, he’s just-”

He knows Barry’s on the phone to Ross but he doesn’t _care_. He needs to be right about the game, _needs_ this to be the solution to his problem, his way _home_. He doesn’t want to be stuck in this universe anymore, doesn’t want to spend another day here as his memories of his reality slip away.

He wants to go _home_.

The save file from when they last played the game is still there and Dan almost feels like he’s going to vomit or pass out; he feels giddy and hopeful, frantic and unsure all at once. Nerves knot themselves in his stomach but he presses forward and clicks on the save file, waiting for something to happen.

It doesn’t take long for the game to load but nothing unusual happens once it’s loaded. Link appears on screen standing in front of a wall, his small animated body swaying slightly where he stands still. In front of him is a tapestry and from beneath it Dan can make out black smoke emitting from the bottom where the tapestry doesn’t quite reach the stone floor.

He doesn’t understand; he had been so sure that the game would have taken him somehow, would have been the missing link that would return him to his reality.

A crushing sense of disappointment envelops him and he lowers the controller slowly, feeling numb. A million emotions are battling inside him and he doesn’t know what emotion to deal with first so instead he tries not to acknowledge them at all.

From his peripheral vision he can see Barry glance towards him as he makes his way out of the room and into the hallway. Dan can hear him as he goes to open the front door and he’s sure Brian and Ross are on the other side, waiting to come in and berate Dan for his behaviour, or possibly even beat him up for it.

Before anyone enters the room Dan moves Link forward on the screen until he’s directly in front of the tapestry. He knows it’s pointless to continue playing but while he waits for the others to join him in the living room and potentially kick the shit out of him, he guesses he might as well play the game to distract himself.

Pressing one of the buttons on the controller, Link swings his sword out in front of him, effectively cutting the tapestry in half. The lower half falls and fades away into nothing and Dan is left staring at a gaping hole in the wall that oozes black tendrils. He knows that Link is meant to pass through the crack and so he switches his character into his drawing mode, flattening him against the wall like a painting, so he can move him along to be sucked up by the black tendrils escaping the wall.

He can hear Barry saying something to Brian and Ross at the door and he knows they’ll be on him soon. Brian’s voice raises in response to whatever Barry has said to them but Dan isn’t paying attention to what any of them are actually saying. He just watches as the character on screen is sucked into the void of the wall, dark colours swirling his vision and a twinkling noise ringing in his ears. Why is his vision so blurred?

From within his pocket he feels his phone buzz against his thigh. He wonders if it’s Suzy and reaches for it with numb fingers, arm sluggish and slow in its movements to retrieve the device. Why does everything feel so slow?

Opening his phone, it takes him a moment to understand the text message that’s appeared on his screen; his vision is beginning to become unfocused and he feels as though he’s been submerged in water, everything slowing down and his hearing fading until all he can hear is his own heartbeat thundering in his chest.

His breathing halts as the text message comes into view and Dan’s grateful that he doesn’t drop the phone when he sees who it’s from.

**_Arin 8.28am_ **

_hey Dan, you up for playing some more Zelda?_

From his peripheral vision he can see Barry, Brian, and Ross enter the room but he doesn’t have the time to say anything to them before he’s falling to the floor in a heap, his phone dislodging from his hand and scattering across the floor. He can hear their surprised shouts and panic fuelled voices calling his name, but he can’t say anything in return. They’re crowding around him and he can see their silhouetted forms above him, calling his name; someone’s shaking his shoulder frantically and he thinks someone else may be on the phone, calling for help.

They probably think he’s overdosed and he doesn’t really blame them. But it doesn’t really matter; there’s dark colours swirling all around him, similar to the swirling colours on the screen from where Link passed through the crack in the wall. If he could move perhaps he’d laugh at the similarity of the situation, of how Link passes through the wall to reach another plane of existence just like how Dan is beginning to slip away from this reality. He just hopes he’s slipping away back to his own universe.

With black tendrils creeping across Dan’s vision, he closes his eyes and allows himself to be enveloped by the swirling array of dark colours around him.


	15. XV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well, we've finally reached the end. it's been a good run. s'been fun (and harrowing). hopefully this ending isn't too much of an anticlimactic letdown.
> 
> thanks for sticking with me and reading through til the end. I hope it's all been a good read and that every one of you who read this has enjoyed it, and thanks to everyone who commented or left kudos. means a lot.
> 
> anyway, enjoy
> 
> Word count: 3,090

When Dan wakes it’s to the surprise of the feeling of his mattress beneath him, his covers drawn carefully over his frame. It takes him a moment or two to really process what’s happening but after a brief moment of trying to recollect his memories, he sits up slowly, a pounding sensation in his head almost causing him to fall back against his pillows.

The last thing he can remember is people, his friends, crowding around him, calling his name urgently, someone shaking his shoulder. He’s sure he passed out but his memories feel hazy, distorted, and his head hurts when he tries to remember exactly what happened. In the end he stops trying to recall the exact events that took place before he woke up in his bed, but the one thing he does remember quite clearly is that he was in another reality, one where Arin didn’t exist.

Trying not to move too quickly, his body sluggish already and his head feeling as though it’s ready to fall off his neck at any moment, he reaches for his phone on the bedside table. When he presses the on button the screen lights up, alerting him that it’s nearing half past ten in the morning and that he has a few new text messages. He opens them with caution, wary of who the texts may be from, but his heart flutters wildly in his chest when he sees who they’re from.

**_Arin 8.28am_ **

_hey Dan, you up for playing some more Zelda?_

**_Arin 8.56am_ **

_so pumped for today dude, get your sweet ass over to the office !_

Dan can’t help but laugh at that last text but an uneasy feeling twists in his stomach; are they really texts from Arin? Could he possibly be dreaming? Is he really back in his own reality? If he’s honest with himself he feels as though he may be having a nervous breakdown that’s caused him to imagine that Arin is alive and texting him, when in reality he’s still trapped in the alternate reality and Arin isn’t alive at all.

He knows there’s only one way to find out, so he throws back the covers and quickly gets changed before he heads out of his bedroom and down the hallway towards the front door. He doesn’t see anyone when he passes by the entrance to the living room and kitchen, and assumes that Barry has already left without him so he grabs his coat, slips on his shoes, and heads out of the front door.

The wind’s cold against his bare cheeks, brisker than he thought it would be, and he takes his beanie out of his coat pocket to shove over his mass of curls. The streets are as busy as they usually are but he doesn’t pay the people on the pavement or the people in their cars any mind; they’re not his priority.

Walking to the Grump space doesn’t take long, and the closer Dan gets to the office the more he can hear his blood pumping in his ears. His heart is beginning to hammer itself against his ribcage and his hands feel sweaty with nerves. He shoves them into his jacket pockets so he doesn’t begin to wring his fingers together anxiously, but it doesn’t stop his breathing becoming shallow, or untie the knot that’s tied itself together in his stomach.

By the time he’s standing outside the Grump office he almost feels as though he’s going to begin shaking with the nerves that are wracking through him. Although he received those text messages from Arin this morning they don’t feel valid enough to be proof that Dan’s returned home and that Arin is alive. To confirm his friend’s existence, Dan needs to see him, to touch him and talk to him, to hear his voice. Nothing will convince him that Arin’s alive again until he sees him for himself and yet he can barely bring himself to go over to the front door and open it.

He desperately wants to believe that he’s home again, that just beyond the front door of the office Arin is in there, waiting for him with open arms and a smile. Dan wants so desperately to believe it that he feels immobilised by the thought that maybe Arin won’t be waiting for him when he does goes to open the door, that the reality of him still being in the alternate universe will bring his world, and what little hope he has, crumbling down around him. He doesn’t think he can handle that and so he doesn’t move towards the door.

Dan knows that he’s being ridiculous, knows the only way to truly know if he’s home again is to walk through the front door and see for himself, but he still has to take a moment or two to try and calm his breathing and build up his nerve to go over to the door. Eventually he does, his breathing slow and deliberate, his head swimming with light headedness that he tries to ignore. He walks over to the door and reaches for the handle, unsurprised when he finds himself hesitating before he forces himself to grasp the handle and pull.

If he was expecting something dramatic to happen, it doesn’t. The door swings open and the hallway entrance stretches out before him, the distant sound of muffled voices heard from within the Grump space alerting him to his presence of his friends.

Taking another deep breath, Dan steps inside and shuts the door behind him, hearing the soft _click_ as the lock slots into place. He’s still nervous, his hand practically shaking before he shoves it back into his coat pocket, and he swallows around the lump in his throat while he tries to steady himself. He tries to listen to the voices he can hear filtering through the building but he can’t differentiate between them, only knows that there are a few people here with him.

He forces himself to walk forward but everything begins to feel as though it’s slowing down, his footsteps heavy as they fall and the voices he can hear becoming distorted as though he’s listening to them from beneath a body of water. He wishes he could shake himself out of it but knows he can’t, so powers on, compelling himself to move forward and reach for the door that separates him from the open area of the Grump space.

The moment the door cracks open it’s as though everything speeds up again, time returning to its usual steady pace. He hears Suzy’s laugh echo throughout the room and his heartbeat spikes in his chest at the sound; if Suzy’s here, in the Grump space, than surely Arin is too.

He doesn’t hesitate then; he pulls the door open and steps inside, hope escalating in his chest and pushing his heart up to sit in his throat. He doesn’t feel as though Arin isn’t here anymore, he _knows_ that he’s here, that he’s just within Dan’s reach.

When he steps into the open space of the office, the first thing he notices is the shelves stacked along the wall, rows upon rows of game cases stacked together as neatly as possible squished into each shelf. Transformer figurines sit atop the units, and when he looks towards the kitchen there’s fanart on the wall and decorating the fridge. Suzy’s sat at the kitchen table and she smiles when she sees him, raising herself from the bench to come over and hug him.

“Hey!” she says, her voice as cheerful as always. Her arms come up to loop around his waist and for a moment he’s frozen, unsure of how to respond until he brings his own arms up to hug her back. He worries he’s hugging her too tightly to him but she only squeezes back just as hard.

When he pulls away she looks up at him and her smile wavers, brows creasing in concern. He knows he must look a state and it’s only confirmed as she begins to question him.

“Are you okay Danny? You look a lil’ spooked,” she comments, drawing herself away from the circle of his arms. He lets her go, his hands returning to his pockets on instinct, a nervous habit to make himself appear small.

“Y-yeah,” he says and hates the way he stutters. He can feel the question burning within him, wanting to burst forth from his mouth and the words sting his tongue in anticipation, but he doesn’t want to risk the answer. His mouth screws up into a nonsensical shape before he finally blurts out, “Where’s Arin?”

Suzy gives him a funny look and for a moment panic causes his heart to seize in his chest. He fears that he was wrong, that he’s still stuck in the alternate reality when he hears the door to the recording room open from somewhere beside him. He turns to face the noise and feels his breathing stutter to a halt, his mouth dropping open in shocked surprise.

Arin walks out of the recording room and stretches his arms above his head, body going taught while he stretches himself. He doesn’t look any different than from the day Dan last saw him except he’s more radiant now, somehow more real and alive than the flashbacks could ever make him out to be. Now, standing just within arm’s reach, Arin practically glows with health, with life, with warmth and joy and Dan aches to reach out and touch him, to confirm that he’s real.

Arin opens his eyes from where he had closed them and a smile stretches across his lips the moment he notices Dan watching him. Something in Dan can’t help but break at the sight of him, and he’s sure his heart has stopped beating, that he’s nothing more than rushing blood and shaking nerves.

For a moment it all seems too much; the warmth and love pouring from Arin in one single action has Dan weak at the knees, a wave of emotions crashing through him and making him feel as though he’s going to be sick. He’s missed seeing Arin so much and seeing him now, radiant and beautiful and _alive_ , makes Dan want to crumble beneath the sudden weight of it all.

Arin barely has a chance to open his mouth and say hello before Dan is walking towards him in three quick strides and grabbing the front of Arin’s shirt in the balls of his fists. Arin barely has a moment to register what is going on before Dan drags him towards him so he can press his lips against Arin’s in a kiss.

It’s the shock of it all really; Dan would never have attempted to do this before, but after having to live without Arin for so long, he doesn’t want to push his feelings aside anymore. He doesn’t want to feel his fingers itch with the need to reach out and hold Arin’s hand in his, or feel his heart sink because he wants to kiss Arin but can’t. Right now he isn’t thinking about the possible consequences for his actions but right now he also doesn’t _care_.

His eyes begin stinging and it takes him a moment to realise he’s begun to cry, fat tears rolling down his cheeks and wetting Arin’s skin. Beneath him, Arin hasn’t moved yet and Dan knows he has to pull back, to start apologizing for what he’s just done, but then he feels the slightest movement against his lips and he knows that he isn’t alone with how he feels.

Arin begins to press back, hands coming up to grip Dan’s shoulders while his lips move against Dan’s, tongue briefly coming out to lick along Dan’s lower lip. His body begins to lean forward into Dan’s space and Dan can’t tell whether he feels like laughing or crying at having finally kissed his best friend and, better yet, having him kiss him back.

When Dan pulls away there’s a moment’s pause before Arin’s eyes flutter open and look up at him, confusion circling his irises. To Dan’s relief he doesn’t see hatred in Arin’s eyes and he smiles wetly at his friend, thankful that he hasn’t pushed him away; he doesn’t know what he would do if Arin rejected him now and his heart seizes at the thought.

Tears are still streaming freely down Dan’s cheeks and he almost startles when he feels Arin’s hand come up to gently stroke his thumb beneath Dan’s eye, dislodging a tear track running down his cheek. Arin smiles at him softly and Dan’s own smile wobbles in return, the kind gesture making him feel embarrassed that right now he needs to be taken care of. He leans forward to bury his face in the crook of Arin’s neck, hiding himself from Arin’s sight, and circles his arms around Arin’s waist in a loose hug.

“I’ve missed you so much,” Dan whispers against Arin’s neck, suppressing a sob as he says it. He can feel Arin’s arms wrapping around his back to embrace him and it only makes him hold on tighter.

“It’s good to see you too, Dan.”

-

He doesn’t tell them what he’s been through; he knows everyone would think he’s insane and that no one would believe him. He doesn’t want to push them away by telling them what he’s experienced when he himself can barely wrap his head around the events that took place barely days ago.

Despite weeks passing in the alternate reality that he had been in, barely any time had passed in his world. When he awoke in his bed the day he returned to his universe, it was simply the day after the day he vanished and woke up in the other reality. In his world he was never gone at all.

Since returning to his world a few days have passed by, with very few things changing apart from a minor detail or two. After kissing Arin and having both Arin and Suzy calm him down from his crying, they all had a long talk in the recording room, away from the prying ears and eyes of any of their other friends. They had asked what was wrong with Dan, had questioned if something had happened, but he simply shook his head no. He was fine, of course he was. He had just had a dream where Arin died was all, and it was so realistic that it made Dan panic. Made him worry that he would never be able to tell Arin how he felt.

It was a lie with the truth littered through it but it had worked. Arin and Suzy had still looked troubled by his sudden actions and Dan fully expected them to tell him how none of this could ever happen again, that this was a moment they were willing to forget as long as he didn’t try something similar in the future, but instead Suzy had reached out to take his hand in hers. She had squeezed his fingers and waited until he looked up towards her before she smiled and asked if he liked her too.

Dan’s cheeks had flushed crimson at the time, embarrassment and worry churning in his stomach as he tried to choke out a response. Of course he liked her, she was beautiful, amazing, his friend. But then Arin had taken his other hand and when Dan looked towards him Arin was smiling, warm and soft just like his wife’s smile and suddenly Dan understood what was being offered to him, what he was being allowed to become a part of.

A few days had passed since then and Dan was still finding ways to cope with what had happened. He knows that talking about it could possibly be therapeutic but he also knows it’s not something he wants to suddenly dump on any of his friends so instead he keeps it to himself. Sometimes he wakes up in the middle of the night from nightmares, images of Arin’s grave or the shouts of his friends calling his name causing him to wake up in a cold sweat with the sheets tangled around his ankles, tears staining his cheeks and the pillow beneath him.

There are still days when he wakes up and worries that he never returned home at all, that it was only a dream that he had managed to make it back to Arin and the rest of the Grumps. On those days he messages Arin and Suzy and asks them how they are or if they have anything planned. He doesn’t want to come off as desperate or needy, especially not when they’ve in the tentative stages of beginning a new relationship between all three of them, but they usually text back that they’re okay or that he can come join them at home if he’d like. Usually he does, and when he reaches their house they welcome him in with open arms and warm kisses and affectionate cuddles on the sofa or lying in bed.

It’s in those moments that he feels safest and for a moment the nightmares and the questions of if he’s really here, if they’re really here, begin to subside.

There are still the days where Arin and Suzy worry about him. There are still days where the only way to push past the panic attacks and erase the images and the voices plaguing Dan’s mind is for him to write down in his newly bought journal what the nightmare was about. There are days where he zones out while he and Arin are recording for Game Grumps and it takes him a moment before he comes back down to earth and realises he’s been quiet for too long and that Arin is watching him worriedly.

There are always days that are worse than others but Dan’s pushing through them. He may not feel able to tell those closest to him exactly what he experienced, but he’s working through the moments that threaten to drag him down and drown him and slowly, he’s sure, there’ll come a day where the good days outweigh the bad.

Currently, from where he’s sandwiched between both Suzy and Arin in their bed, their shallow breaths ghosting along his skin as they sleep either side of him, bodies pressed securely against his, he’s pretty sure it won’t be long before the good days finally outweigh the bad.

**Author's Note:**

> come follow me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/RainbowRandoms) and [tumblr](http://rainbow-randomness.tumblr.com/)
> 
> I do not give permission to have any of my works put up on goodreads or any other such site.


End file.
